Ask Molly: Deployment Checklists

A Reader Asks:

Happy Veterans' Day! I just found your blog and I was wondering if there are directions to making a military family binder, something that would include military records, important numbers, deployments, LES, or anything you can think of. My husband is an Army Reservist and I think this could be very helpful.

First of all, Happy Veterans' Day to you, too! Thank you and your husband for serving!

You did not mention if your husband has been activated in anticipation of a deployment. Regardless, there are some things that every military family should have in a binder. And, really, with a few modifications, this is something that would be useful to any family, military or not.

When my husband deployed, we distributed a deployment checklist of documents and other information that the spouses should have at hand. I googled "deployment checklist" and found a few that may prove helpful. You should of course modify to suit your own situation:

• Deployment Checklist #1
• Deployment Checklist #2 (and the same Checklist as an html webpage instead of .pdf)
• USAA Family Readiness Deployment Guide
• Military One Source - Reservist Deployment Page
  

In general, USAA and MilitaryOneSource are great sources for all sorts of military-friendly planning.

You should always know your husband's unit and have the Red Cross contact information available should you need to contact him in an emergency. I would also like to highlight the Power of Attorney. A general POA (one that enumerates several areas in which your spouse may act for you, such as finances, health decisions, etc.) can be useful, but you need to remember that there is no obligation to accept a power of attorney--if you anticipate needing one, you should contact the relevant bank or other company or military office to make sure you have the correct form.

Couples with children should also be aware of laws that apply to getting passports, enrolling in schools, etc. In some cases, you may need permission from both parents to travel out of country with children.

Hope this helps!

When the Soldier's Away, the Blogger Will Be Silent?

For the military wife bloggers out there, or anyone whose husband is frequently gone on business trips, do you blog when the soldier is away from home? Do you feel you have enough anonymity or are you not concerned about any safety issues? Does it matter if he is away for a shorter or longer time? (I'm assuming male spouses don't worry about this...but maybe I'm wrong.)

When DH was active duty, I always felt uncomfortable blogging about his absence while he was on field exercises...yet, I blogged about his deployment while he was gone.

It does not make a ton of sense, but I think part of it was the fact that there was no way to avoid the issue of his deployment on a Military Spouse blog and another part was, living in Killeen, it wouldn't be that hard for someone to figure out whose spouse was gone anyway. So, blogging about the deployment, on an anonymous blog, didn't seem to add significantly to the safety risk.

Since then, I've started a number of other online projects that are connected with my real name. And people who know me in real life have discovered this blog (and that's a whole 'nother can of worms).

DH has left Active Duty, but is still in the National Guard.

Suddenly, when he leaves, I feel exposed.

This time, I feel comfortable blogging about his absense because I'll have family visiting. He's headed off to Captain's Career Course in preparation for taking command this summer. But generally, if he will be gone overnight, I just don't say anything.

How about you? What are your thoughts and comfort level on this topic?

Advice for Dealing With Deployment

iVillage is one of the first "woman-oriented" sites I became aware of online. I've used a lot of their resources, throughout the years, especially once I became pregnant.

I never knew, though, that they had built a thriving military wives' community! And you can also connect with other long distance wives, some of whom are military and others who are geographically separated for different reasons--because sometimes a fresh perspective is just what you need to sort things out in your head.

I got a great e-mail tipping my off to Military Wives' 21 Best Tips for Dealing with a Spouse's Deployment.

I thought all the tips were helpful--even (or especially) the ones that contradicted themselves. There's no one right way to make it through deployment.

The tips that really helped me were:

16. Keep your husband posted. "I write letters to my husband every day (we don't have access to phones or email this time) detailing what our daughter did that day, so he will feel like he's part of her day-to-day life. I take lots of photos of our daughter to send to him. It's difficult because at times it feels like our lives are 'on hold' until he returns." --erinnicolevan

I took a lot of pride in creating care packages for him and his guys. In some small way, this helped me have an active role in the deployment, instead of just passively waiting for things to happen to me. And it pumped up his morale, which greatly improved mine.

19. Stay active. "I have found it vital to have at least one regularly scheduled activity while my husband is gone. It becomes something to look forward to each week, which gives me little milestones along the way." --lizzbert2000

I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't schedule activities. If I kept it loose, then I would just wake up and say, "I don't feel like it today." But if I knew other women, especially other military wives, were counting on me to show up, then I'd kick myself in the pants, get dressed, and get out the door. There's a lot to "Fake It Until You Make It." Sometimes you need a pity party, but most of the time if you just push yourself a little, you'll find yourself having a great time.

Which pieces of advice (from this list or off it) do it for you?

Ask Molly: Moving "Home" During a Deployment

A reader posted this comment:

Does anyone have any advice? My brother is due to deploy overseas within a year and it is causing problems in his marriage. His family (young wife and 2 year old daughter) and my family moved half way across the country two years ago to forge a better life away from the West coast. Our father also lives here. We are all within minutes of each other. Now that he is due to deploy, his wife wants to move back in with her mother out west. He doesn't want her to. They have a home here, pets, her job, baby's daycare, etc. I'm sure he wants to know that while he is deployed, someone is here maintaining a "Normal" life for him to return to. Her mother has been trying to get her to return the whole two years and is pressuring her, also. (Of course they never got along when they lived together before.) My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment. Does anyone have any advice on books, etc., that might help her understand his point? Thanks.

Elizabeth | 11.11.07 - 2:10 pm |

Dear Elizabeth,

Hopefully some of my readers will add their comments as well so you can get more than one perspective.

Deciding whether to stay where you live with your spouse or return "home" with your parents while your spouse is deployed is a very difficult decision.

Before I could offer my own advice and opinion to a spouse, I'd need to know some more details, such as whether the service member is Active Duty, National Guard, or Reserves, how close the spouse lives to a post if the service member is not Active Duty, what sort of support system she has in place, and the length of the deployment.

If the spouse has a good support system in place, the kids have friends, and the deployment is likely to be a year or less, then it is often a good decision to stay put.

Some spouses may find, especially if they have a very young baby, if they have not established a support system, or if they are facing a long deployment, that they would rather move back in with a parent, possibly also saving money.

I stayed in Killeen during my husband's deployment and it was a mixed bag, but overall I made the right decision for us.

Ultimately, though, every person is an individual and this is a decision that will be made by the couple. Yes, his deployment will be a stressful time for him and he does need the support of his family. Deployment can also be very trying for the spouse, as well, and your sister in law also needs to know that her needs are understood and respected.

While there are some good books out there for military spouses (I link to a number in my sidebar), no book will be able to take into account all the individual circumstances a person may face.

I think it is wonderful that your family is so close. I am sure you have the best interests of your whole family in mind (including your brother, your sister in law, and of course your little niece), but I am a little concerned that you are searching for resources to help her understand his perspective, rather than resources that might allow both of them better understand each others' points of view.

In the long run, I think that a healthy marriage will grow in depth during the separation, no matter what decision they make. So, the important part is really how they reach that decision.

My suggestions to you is that you recommend they utilize some of the following resources to help maintain the health of their relationship and then allow them lots of space to sort it out together, possibly with a neutral person trained in relationship counseling.

• Military OneSource: Military OneSource is your one-stop resource for pretty much everything. They even have Master's level consultants who will answer the phone 24-7 and help military service members and family locate resources, including limited free counseling sessions. You have to register to use the website, but it is all free.
  
• The Unit or Post Chaplain: If your brother and his wife are on or near a post, a Chaplain could be an excellent resource. Most will keep religion out of the discussion if asked, and they have training in the specific issues military couples face as well as access to extensive resources.
  
• The Family Readiness Group: The leader should be able to at least point the spouse to some resources for making the decision. Also, the quality of the support available might factor into the decision and possibly persuade her to stay.
  
• The Military Couples' Workshop or Retreat: There are a lot of workshops and retreats that may help them work through some of these issues. Some are for those who are experiencing trouble reintegrating after a deployment, but others are open to service members and their spouses before hand. Ask the command about Building Strong and Ready Families program, a two-day program that helps couples develop better communication skills, reinforced by a weekend retreat. If they are Reserve or National Guard, there is a "Strong Bonds Marriage Education Program."
• Army Community Services or similar post service: If they are active duty or activated and near a post, there should be an office that is a clearinghouse for various classes and opportunities.
  
• Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Another person's perspective + 26 comments from readers on the issue. (from SpouseBUZZ)

Hopefully these resources will help them reach the right decision for them as a couple and I am sure your family will support them, regardless of what that decision may be.

My prayers are with your brother and your whole family as you prepare for his deployment.


"Ask Molly" represents only my opinion and the comments of readers represent their opinions. I draw upon my training as a Family Readiness Group leader, my own experience and that of those I know, and any research I found on the Internet. I am not a trained counselor.

Sammy's Soldier Giveaway

Wow! I added the contest late in the giveaway and I did not think there would be so many military families and friends of military families playing!

I wish I had forty-four copies to give away--there were so many touching stories about military children who need some support and encouragement while their soldier is away! I would strongly encourage you to ask your local or post library to pick up a copy. If you are near or on an Army Base, Army Community Services and the unit Chaplains should also be able to order copies to share with families.

Also, I will have an interview with Sarah White, the author of Sammy's Soldier, in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, check out her new MySpace for "Sammy's Soldier".


Without further ado, random.org chose: Margaret Herrin.


If I don't hear from her by this Wednesday, I'll select another winner. Thank you to everyone who entered. Hopefully you all won at least one Bloggy Giveaway.


ETA: Sarah White has also begun a wonderful blog, called "Healing Little Heroes," on which she will share advice, tips, and information to help children of military families from her perspective as a trained counselor, mother of two, and wife of a former Marine. One of her first articles is about preparing children for a deployment. She was so touched by your interest in the book, she is giving away two more signed copies of Sammy's Soldier on her blog this week.


If you didn't win: If you would like to purchase a copy of your very own, Sammy's Soldier is available on Amazon.

More Contests: Remember, I'm listing more awesome contests throughout the blogosophere on my Win It On Wednesday feature. Check it out for more chances to win.

More Military Family Bloggy Fun: Finally, I hope you'll stick around to participate in my new Military Family Carnival (starts Monday) and consider Guest Posting on An Army Wife's Life (all members of the Military family are welcome--you don't have to have a blog to share and I will accept anonymous contributions)!

Halloween Homecoming

I'll never forget Halloween, October 31, 2006...because that is the day that my husband called to say he would be arriving in Killeen, TX, in hours, from Iraq.

A Halloween Homecoming, that was a real treat. However, there was a trick, or a catch, if you will.

He was home a couple of weeks early because my dear little baby was due in surgery on November 6...the day after my husband's 30th birthday.

My husband never got to journey home with his men, all of whom survived the deployment, thank the Lord. My husband never got the big reception in the gym. And he was never able to really celebrate his 30th birthday.

But he came home. His men came home. And our baby's heart was healed.

So, on the balance, Halloween is still my favorite celebration of the year, bringing more treats than tricks. I am hoping to enjoy a calmer, less eventful Halloween today.

Happy Halloween!

Sammy's Soldier Helps Children Cope With Deployment: Review & Contest

Sammy's Soldier is sweet picture book, written to help young children feel more comfortable with the deployment process. You can have a chance to win a signed copy at the end of this post.

As both a trained family counselor and the wife of a former Marine, Ms. White understands how confusing and trying deployments can be for our littlest patriots.

Her book follows Sammy through the preparations leading up to his father's deployment, some of the activities Sammy and his mother do during the deployment, and then finally the homecoming. Personally, I would have enjoyed seeing a few more pages identifying ways Sammy and his mother pass the deployment.

The naturalistic illustrations and simple text make for an easy and enjoyable read for children, ages 3-8. At the end of the book is a page for the child to draw a picture of his or her own hero.

This picture book is a wonderful starting point for children to discuss deployment with their families, including their feelings about the deployment and also ways they can cope with their emotions positively.

Military life is certainly different from civilian life (in fact, this review was delayed as our final military move ended up taking up more time and energy than I had planned) and Ms. White understands that. Sammy's Soldier goes a long towards normalizing the deployment experience, making it less threatening and stressful for military children.



This is a great book and I'm hoping to pass it along to someone who can use it. Whether you have a young child who loves a soldier, or you know of a friend who would like the book, or you are a soldier's angel, it is simple to enter this contest.

As part of the Rocks in My Dryer Fall, Y'all Bloggy Giveaway, I'm hosting a giveaway of a copy of this book, which has been signed by the author.

All you have to do is leave a comment by November 2 and make sure to include an e-mail or website where I can reach you. Your e-mail does not appear publicly but I will be able to view it. I hate spam and will only e-mail you if you win!

Contest Ends: 11:59, November 2 and the winner will be announced on Nov. 3



While you are here, don't forget to check out my upcoming Military Family Blog Carnivals (with a prize) and the opportunities to Guest Blog.

Deploy Fifteen Months, and What Do You Get?

"Deploy fifteen months and what do you get? An extra three months older and caught in a stoploss net...civilian jobs don't you call me 'cause I can't go, I sold my soul to the Army y'know..."

I haven't blogged yet about this for a couple of reasons.

1. Theoretically DH is getting out before his unit deploys again, so I wanted to let others who are definitely directly affected speak first.
2. I wanted to give it some thought, rather than just respond emotionally. Emotional responses are legitimate, and sometimes necessary; I just didn't want to record mine for posterity in this case.
3. Baby Diva is having a nursing strike and so I have been lavishing extra attention on her.

Our Battalion FRG Advisor passed around some letters from the Generals, addressed to family members. Essentially, these letters said that they recognize that this is an added sacrifice the military must bear for the country...but this is necessary so suck it up and drive on. They did not literally say the last part, that is just me reading between the lines.

After letting this ferment in my mind for a few days, I thought I might share a couple of thoughts. These are MY responses--it is not meant to represent "the military viewpoint" or even "the spouse's point of view" and not necessarily my husband's or my friends' viewpoints...just mine and mine alone...I can't even promise it will still be my view next week. Hopefully others will leave some of their own thoughts in the comment section.

What's up with this "family stability" language?

One of the phrases that seems to be a flash point for a lot of anger is the idea that this will create a greater level of stability for the families. The articles and letters expand on this a little, explaining that a 15 month deployment is the only way at this point to make sure each unit is home for a year before deploying again.

The letters also acknowledge that this is a poor version of the stability some units were initially promised.

DH is in a "unit of action." This was supposed to mean that he would be with the unit three years. During that year, the unit would train for a year, deploy for a year, and then reset for a year. After that, the whole cycle would start again.

So, let's look at how that worked out. Train for a year, check. Deploy for a year, check.

Then we found out most of the unit is moving to another post. Soldiers in our Brigade were given a "choice": stay at Ft. Hood and join 1st Cav, not deploying until the next time they deploy; go to Ft. Carson with the rest of the 4th ID; go "needs" of the Army and try to work out follow-on assignment. Soldiers and families agonized over the decision and, in the end, for most of them it did not matter. People weren't released for follow-on assignments and now the unit is deploying about a year earlier than originally planned.

So, what they are telling us is that although it is not what we were promised, 12 months at home is better than less than 12 months and we can only get those 12 months with 15 month deployments.

So, at least you'll get 12 months with your soldier at home?

Yes, Sorta, No, Not Really...

Perhaps I am being naive, but I do believe they have good intentions of making this happen.

However, that 12 months refers to the unit. What if a soldier moves from a unit that just returned to a unit about to deploy? That happens. A lot.

Also, one thing the civilian world probably does not realize: the high "op tempo" (operation tempo) also affects life in garrison (while the active duty troops are in the states). What this means is that during a gear-up to deployment, the unit spends more time in the field and more late nigths at work. My husband frequently works the similar hours to when he worked at a large NYC law firm and that is not even counting field time.

Basically a unit will be preparing to deploy or deployed...there will be no real "downtime" during which the family can count on having the soldier around and available.

How is this different than all of the extensions that were happening before?

In some ways, it isn't. When DH deployed at the end of 2005, we were told to expect 12-15 months. We ended up with 12, but it could have easily ended up the other way. Then there are those units that expected 12 months and ended up with extensions.

In some ways, it is better to know in advance.

However, the difference is that before the deployments greater than 12 months were either mission-specific or were based on evolving realities "on the ground." The fact that we are moving to 15 month deployments as a matter of policy means that 15 months is the default, not the exception.

Psychologically, there seems to be a barrier at around a year...I can handle almost anything for about a year, beyond that, it starts to feel more like a permanent situation.

Also, if 15 months is baseline, how do we know there won't be extensions to 18 months?

But it is only three more months...how bad could that be? If you can do 12, you can do three, right?

For those with families, 15 months increases the chance that instead of missing just one Christmas, one anniversary, one birthday, etc., you'll miss two of at least one of these.

For those with small children, three months is an eternity of milestones.

For all soldiers, it is still more than they bargained for.

And it may not even literally be just three months. Take for example, a person who was about to leave the military. He was going to leave in, oh, say, August. His unit is deploying in November, so, he is stop-lossed (he can't leave because his unit is deploying within 90 days). Then, he has the 15 month deployment. Then, he can't leave for another 90 days after they get back. So, now we are up to an extra 21 months in the military.

Is this necessary?

Short answer: I don't know. I'm not a military strategist. There are mission-related reasons for this extension to fifteen months. They say we need a troop surge and, even if the military increased recruiting or even if we had a draft, the only way to get more troops there right now is to send them more frequently or to send them for longer periods of time.

In terms of costs and logistics, obviously it is easier to send one unit for a longer period, rather than to send two units for shorter periods.

Also, a higher proportion of casualties seem to occur the first couple of weeks and the last couple of weeks of a deployment. The first can be explained, in part, by a unit getting used to the mission, the terrain, and the people it encounters. Regardless of why, longer deployments would minimize the exposure to those risky time periods, as opposed to shorter, but more frequent, deployments.

I seriously hope it is, because it is risky. I think ultimately this is going to affect mission-readiness. Fewer families are going to want to continue this lifestyle, resulting in fewer soldiers re-upping. Ultimately, this is going to spread the military thinner and thinner.

The fifteen month deployment is a band-aid solution...one that may hurt retention and recruitment down the line. If it doesn't work, then we gambled future readiness on a losing bet.

What is becoming clearer is that the United States cannot fight in a larger conflict without greater sacrifice from a wider segment of its population.

Incoming

I posted over on SpouseBUZZ about my experience with DH's Redeployment. I think it will help explain why I have not been posting very much.

Homecoming

As I wrote on SpouseBUZZ, DH came home a little early to be here for Lilah's surgery. He is with us now, but a big piece of him is still in Iraq.

This blog is not over (there is still so much more to chat about--redeployment, daily life, etc.) but do not expect any updates for a couple of weeks.

Lilah is having her surgery on Nov. 6. Please pray with us.

I hope to be back on in late November.

Famous Last Words?

Sorry blogging has been light...I have been focusing on blogging on SpouseBuzz the last few days since it is just starting up.

I also have deadlines left and right.

And of course, Lilah...she's getting so big! She's been getting really upset after feeding and now something is upsetting her even when she sleeps. So, she has gone from pretty much "sleeping through the night" (one shift of 3-4 hours, followed by a 4-5 hour shift) to waking every 2-3 hours even at night.

Which brings me to the subject of this post.

One day last December, while I was waiting for DH to call me, I told you why we had decided to try for a baby despite his upcoming deployment.

Then, in my last post, I asked if anyone else had deployment babies.

I'm happy to report, I have no regrets.

DH unfortunately missed the birth.

I got more than I bargained for, with Lilah's heart problem.

I had been hoping my temperament would skip a generation, and she'd be more like her Granny than me in that respect...and of course it didn't.

It was heart wrenching to hear the simultaneous notes of joy and sadness in DH's voice when I mentioned that Lilah had started smiling at me.

Still, for all of the exhaustion and absolutely overwhelming ups and downs and the medical issues, we still made the right decision. Being pregnant during the deployment gave me such joy in the middle of a trying time. Lilah keeps me focused on living life in the here and now.

Some commented that their DH's deployed while the babies were young...I would think that would be even harder! I think you are so strong to have gone through that!

I wish DH could be here to help and to see Lilah smile...but I think I would cry all the time if he were missing her sitting up, her first solids, her crawling, her first steps.

A good friend here has a son who is almost three and just gave birth last month. Both times she got pregnant by accident right before her husband left. He missed the first birth but was home on leave for the second.

For those like her who went through it twice, and had a toddler at home while pregnant (and possibly even giving birth and having an infant) while your DH was deployed...all I can say is God Bless You!!!

Yes, I Know...I'm Supposed to Be Sleeping

Lilah's asleep so I thought I would make a quick post to let you all know that I haven't been committed to an asylum or jailed for throttling a patient appointments line operator.

DH finally caught me on IM and, after five tries, he was able to see me and Lilah on webcam!

Anyway, I'm curious...how many others out there have had deployment babies? How many people out there think they would never intentionally have a baby during their husband's deployment? Just curious!

Mommydom

Although I have been using this site to vent a lot...there is a lot that has gone as well or better than expected.

It is the East European in me that makes me hesitate to count blessings out loud.

First of all, Lilah is gaining weight from some very successful breastfeeding. Apparently this is unusual for a heart baby. This is especially wonderful since the breastmilk will help protect her from illness.

Lilah generally sleeps for decently long stretches at night despite the fussiness during the day and the occasional resistance to falling asleep.

The cats don't seem to mind her at all, in fact they seem to like her a lot. I was afraid they would mistake her for another cat, or worse, prey. So far though my skittish Russian Blue princess seems mildly interested and my big random breed seems to think she is another lady to protect. So far neither have showed any signs of aggression and the big one's affections have been gentle. Of course, I still lock them out at night...but just because I am afraid they might decide to cuddle with her, not because I think they would intentionally hurt her.

DH is positively in love with her and is so supportive of me. When I tell him what is going on, he always asks my opinion/instincts and then compliments me on what he thinks I am doing right. He doesn't try to problem solve from afar (which I think could be frustrating for both of us) but is always willing to listen.

Most importantly, Lilah is just a gorgeous, sweet little bundle of joy if I do say so myself. She loves to cuddle and her stretches of playtime are trending longer and longer. She smiles so sweetly in her sleep; I can't wait to see her first real smile (which of course will be photographed and posted)!!!

I really do love being a mother, even if the surrounding circumstances are a little overwhelming at the moment!

No Muss, No Fuss

I wish!

No Muss?

This is the hole in my wall:

Centex will fix it but when is anyone's guess.


No Fuss?

This is my adorable, fussy baby daughter:

Yeah, I know...she looks happy there. Don't let the drama queen fool you.

The doctor's appointment was useless. What a sour, humorless pediatrician! She basically offered me no tips, no strategies, no information. She even suggested that maybe I was tense (uh, no...I'm very relaxed with my baby...if I'm tense, it is due to you) and implied that it was because DH is deployed.

I've been reading up a lot and the connection between a tense mom and a crying baby has been disproven. Sometimes moms get tense BECAUSE the baby is crying, but the mother's parenting does not cause the colic.

Despite the inept doctor, I am starting to feel a little better about handling this. Partly this is because supposedly her crying is now peaking and should start to reduce soon. Also, after reading stories of TRUE colic, I am relieved. If Lilah actually cried three hours straight (or even more than ten minutes straight), I would develop colic.

Perhaps this is because Lilah has trained me so well as to how to soothe her. Between the white noise CD, the swaddling, the swing, and the "babywearing," I am able to keep Lilah calm (which is necessary with her heart condition).

At any rate, I am grateful that although she requires LOTS of soothing to get to sleep, she actually sleeps 3-5 hours at a time at night.

Unfortunately, she punctuates her first and second night sleep shift with a marathon two hours of extremely alert wakefulness.

Following the advice in the books, I do not talk to her and try to avoid meeting her gaze at this time to signal it is sleep time.

This is impossible as everytime I glance over, she stares back at me like the twins on The Shining. "Come play with me, Mommy."

I swaddle her. She looks like a little mental patient. If she accepts a pacifier (which she rarely does), she looks like a pink, mini Hannibal Lechter. Perhaps she is getting ready early for Halloween?

I pretend to go to sleep; Lilah is not fooled by this ruse and begins to fuss.

I remember reading about a fanatically religious woman who thought her baby was possessed. At 2:30 am, as Lilah watches me with big, intense eyes, I could almost understand where she was coming from.

At the last cardiologist appointment, I had asked if open-eyed REM is normal (it is). The doctor jokingly asked, "Well have you see her head spin around 360 degrees? No? Then it is normal."

As Lilah continues to stare, I imagine calling the doctor, "Uh, you know when you joked about the head spinning thing...?"

Everyday is Monday

I need today to go away. The deployment gremlins are out in full force.

First, I have a plumbing leak somewhere. It leaked and the varnish soaked off the entertainment center and onto the rug. Last night they came to move the entertainment center and turn on a huge fan to blowdry under the rug. This of course had to stay on all night. This of course sounded like a freight train moving through the living room.

Now the plumber is coming tonight, possibly to cut a hole in my wall.

The house is still under warranty, so it will probably all be taken care of...but I still have to deal with it. Not to mention I can't take care of other errands while I am waiting for all these other people to show up.

After a GREAT day and decent night last night, Lilah is having an AWFUL day. She wakes herself up screaming. Not fussing--screaming. With Tetralogy of Fallot, I am supposed to keep her calm.

She cries unless we are holding her, sometimes while we are holding her, until I feed her and then cries until she passes out for a nap again.

I already tried eliminating cow's milk from my diet but that doesn't seem to have done much of anything except make me feel hungry all the time (I am a vegetarian and get much of my protein and fats from cheese). On the bright side I already weight what I weighed at my 8 week pregnancy appointment.

I suspect she has reflux, so I wanted to make an appointment for her so they can try to track down what is going on.

I am trying to have Lilah see a doctor that her cardiologist recommended and trying to have her see this doctor consistently. So, I went to the TRICARE (health insurance) office to fill out the PCM change paperwork. The representative told me that I should be able to make an appointment right away with the recommended doctor because the appointment line should not have ANY PCM info in their system yet...even though they claimed they are showing her for a different clinic.

WELL...TRICARE doesn't have this PCM change on the file yet, and no one can tell me WHEN the PCM change will be effective. I just spent an hour trying to make appointments for her. The Appointment Line transfered me to the Patient Rep, who obviously knows about Tetralogy of Fallot but was not listening to me. He kept thinking that (A) Lilah was having a Tet Spell (in which Tet babies turn blue) and (B) I was trying to make an appointment with a Cardiologist. Finally, he calls the apointment line to report exactly what I already knew--that they can't make an appointment until the change is in their system.

Honestly, I understand that the changes need time to take effect; what I don't get is how come no one can tell me HOW LONG those changes will need to take effect.

I am also P*SSED that this guy who is supposed to be my advocate is so obviously not listening to a word I am saying.

In the middle of juggling phone calls with the patient rep and the plumber, Lilah wakes up screaming again.

I'm just going in circles with bureaucracy; my entertainment system is dismantled and sitting in the study; my rug is stained; and, most frustratingly, my poor little baby seems to be in pain and I can't take her to the pediatrician her cardiologist recommended. Instead, I have to involve yet another pediatrician in her care.

I know Lilah will be fine. We'll either track down what is bothering her or she will just grow out of it by around 3 months. I can survive three sleepless months alone if I need to. I'm sure this pediatrician is perfectly competent. I'm just frustrated.

Right now Lilah is passed out so I should do some work before she gets hungry or wakes herself up screaming again...but I just had to vent a little first.

A New Way To Stand and Wait

Technology has made this a new war both for our soldiers and for those of us who "also serve."

I don't often agree with my fellow alumnus's political opinions, but I think this Trudeau cartoon is pretty on target:

DH never tells me when he is going out or when he is going to be back. First of all, it is a violation of OPSEC (Operational Security). Second of all, it just produces unnecessary worry.

However, I know there are plenty of couples who are constantly online together and DH and I communicate pretty regularly thanks to the internet.

As Trudeau highlights, the communications technology can be a mixed blessing. When you hear from your loved one every day and then suddenly not for 48 hours, you begin to picture all sorts of horrors. Of course, you remind yourself that your information is up to date--that you would have heard already if tragedy had struck--but still you worry, tensing at every noise. Was that a knock at the door?

On the flip side, the technology can play into the soldiers' paranoia as well: It is 10pm there, why didn't my wife answer my IM...where is she? Much of our force is young (as is usually the case for warriors) and the young tend to be less secure in their relationships.

On the balance, though, I like the webcams and IMing--especially now so DH can see Lilah's growth.

I can't even imagine what life was like for our grandmothers during earlier wars when they were lucky if a letter made it through once a month or so and the soldier were often away for years at a time.

By Your Leave

A couple of days ago, DH left on his return journey to the sandbox.

Lilah and I loved having Daddy around. We gave Daddy a New Daddy present--an Iron 4ID emblem that reads "Home of the Free, Because of the Brave." Now I just need to find a place for it in DH's study.

In many ways, it felt lik DH had never left. He is still the same calm and loving man. DH said it felt like a long, lazy weekend (minus the sleeping late, of course). If we hadn't just had a baby, DH probably would have had us jetting out to some exotic destination...but in many ways this is infinitely more exciting, if more sedentary.

Still, I can't help but worry that his R&R was not particularly restful. Lilah and I were still recovering from the 24 hour labor. I was not able to do much housework or, probably more importantly to DH, much cooking. The Texas heat coupled with Lilah's heart condition made it inadvisable to take Lilah much of anywhere, although we did take one mini road trip out to Alamosa Winery. The owners love DH (Jim always says that DH left the law for Field Artillery because "it is more efficient to blow bad guys up than to put them in jail") and I knew they would want to see him and Lilah.

In addition, my mom is staying with me to help out and my in-laws (MIL, FIL, and the two Grandmas) came down for five days in the middle of DH's leave, as did my father. My mom (and dad while he was here) is staying with me and the in-laws stayed at a local hotel. We sent them out during the day to Fredericksburg, Salado, and San Antonio...but it was still quite the circus here.

A couple of nights we ate take out and one night my parents and I made a BBQ.

Imagine two Grandmas and two Great Grandmas--all sharing whatever the doctor told them 30 or 50-60 years ago about babies. If I have to explain one more time that while babies may sleep better on their stomach, they sleep safer on their backs...well, I'll just explain it again...but I can't promise I won't think grouchy thoughts. Still, it was wonderful for Lilah to meet all of these loving relatives--DH and I really have a caring family and I feel blessed.

Lilah slept through much of the attention lavished on her...only to wake up bright eyed and ready to play at 2:00 am.

My mom has been a huge help, but I felt bad for DH that he did not have his "castle" to himself. I wish my mom was closer by so I could have sent her home at the beginning and end of DH's time here and we could have spent time alone.

Now that leave is over, we are on the short, "downhill" side of the deployment. When DH returns, Lilah will have grown so much and almost be ready for her heart surgery. There is a lot to look forward to this winter.

Prayers for the 172nd

I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers are with the 172nd Stryker Brigade Combat Team and their families.

Deployments are never easy, extended deployments are never easy, and finding out just as your soldier was about to head home--that has to be difficult. A big understatement, I know.

The welcome home signs were already up; weddings, vacations, and moves were in the works; some of the troops were even back in the states when the word came down of an extension of their tour of duty in Iraq.

I know they will do their job, and the spouses and parents and kids will do theirs, but I also know their hearts are breaking. Some will be silent, others will express their heartache (A Mom Asks Bush to Reconsider). I don't know why this particular decision was made. I will not second guess in an area I don't know. Still, there is a part of me who asks, "How is this fair? Why extend a unit about to return home?"

If I may be a little selfish, I am going to say that I hope we don't start seeing more extended tours again. It is hard enough to imagine what these families are feeling--I'd rather not get a personal vivid illustration of their frustration and deferred hopes.

My Troubadour

One of DH's soldiers has recording equipment so DH serenaded Lilah and e-mailed me the file.

I really wanted Lilah to hear DH's voice in utero...and DH came through for me! What a sweet, wonderful husband he is and what a caring Daddy he will be!

Mostly he sang college songs and a couple of traditional, poignant songs. There is one song from college where you insert someone's name and so he inserted Lilah's--when I played it the second time I swear she kicked when he sang her name. Maybe just a coincidence, but it amused me!

I LOVE hearing DH's voice--it is so rich and deep. Hopefully Lilah will inherent DH's vocal talents (though not the exact pitch--she'd sound funny as a little girl with a deep Baritone that borders on Bass).

Be Prepared

My Eagle Scout DH should appreciate this...

I was chatting with my mother who will arrive here about a week before DH is approximately expected (how's that for vague).

My mom mentioned how my hometown was terrorized by an extremely rare tornado. I live in the New York City metro area (about 40 minutes out of mid-town Manhattan)--not exactly tornado alley.

Then the topic drifted to the infrequent, but not unheard of, tornados in Killeen (we are protected by hill country...most tornados in this region go around us) and the far more regular super thunderstorms and massive winds.

I asked my mom what she would do if I went into labor during a severe weather alert. Finally she answered she would start boiling water.

"For what, mom?"

"I don't know."

So, I'm picturing contractions coming three minutes apart and my mom boiling water and...

...making tea. To calm herself down, presumably.

She said, "Gee, I hope [DH] is home in time."

"Maybe he'll use his battlefield medicine training...I can just see it: 'I can start an I.V. ... is there somewhere I can place a tourniquet?'"

Heheheh...my imagination has always been too active for my own good.

Anyone have any fun birth stories involving attacks of mother nature?