HELP! My Husband is Joining the Army and I Don't Like It!

An anonymous reader comments:

Hey Molly my husband is looking into a career In the army, I don't like the idea because he will never be home and could always be deployed and could die. I am 19 he is 26 years old and we have a 5 month old daughter I didn't not sign up to be a military wife I don't like the idea of moving every other year and not being able to see him everyday and then spending long time periods away from him I guess my question is what is being a military spouse really like. He will be entering as a E3 but I don't want to hear the lie from the recruiter I want to ask some one who is there.

Dear reader,

Thank you for writing. Although you are already married, you may want to check out my post, "Should I Marry a Soldier?" I cover some of the questions you ask here but the long and the short of it is that no one can really give you the answers you are seeking.

Your family's experience in the military will vary depending on your husband's MOS (his specialty), the post, the unit, and even down to his Commanding Officer and NCOs. And it will also depend on both of you.

As someone who has been there I will not downplay the challenges of military life. At the same time, it can be a wonderful lifestyle for those who are able to "bloom where they are planted." One of the lessons I have learned in life is that happy people are generally happy wherever they are and miserable people are miserable wherever they go. That said, military life can be intense and can bring out the strengths and weaknesses in people and in relationships.

What I will say is that no one is never home or deployed all of the time. And it seems as if the "operational tempo" may slow in the near future. God willing.

And very few people's lives happen exactly as they plan. A lot of families find themselves moving frequently.

While the risk of being killed in combat is very real, it is statistically not great. It is the possibility, and the constant threat of this danger, that can be very difficult for both the soldier and his family.

Your question is really a marital issue than a military one. You had a picture of your future for you and your family and you married a man who you believed shared that plan. Now, he has brought something new and you do not like the idea. How you deal with this challenge will shape your future regardless of the decision made.

I am not a marriage counselor but here are my suggestions:

1. Do some research into his proposed MOS. Are there limited posts where he might be stationed?

2. Read up. Go to your library and take out some non-fiction books for new military spouses. You'll find an honest but upbeat take on what to expect in general. Keep in mind that your mileage will vary.

3. Have him do the same. He needs to come to you with an honest assessment of why he would like to enlist, what he hopes to accomplish in the military, and how this will shape the family's future. Has he always dreamed of being a soldier? Does he believe it is his duty to serve? Perhaps he sees the military as his best hope for career advancement? Or maybe he wants to provide for his family with the job security and benefits of the military?

4. Make a decision together. This is very difficult because you do not want him to resent you for telling him not to enlist. At the same time, it will be a very unpleasant career and possibly unsuccessful marriage if you are not at least a willing partner in this decision. Just like any other major decision in a marriage, you both need to reach some sort of agreement, even if one person will have to make more sacrifices than the other.

If you cannot do this on your own, you may wish to speak with a clergyman if you are at all religious or perhaps go to a couples' counselor who can help you talk through these issues in a non-confrontational way.

Whether or not he joins the military, this will hopefully help you understand each other and your marriage better and you'll come through it stronger.

Best of luck and please update us!

Military Not Poor, Dumb, and Lazy Says Heritage Foundation

So, in a study that will shock (sarcasm) anyone actually involved with the military...the Heritage Foundation has pointed out that our service members are actually more or less representative of the population in terms of education and family wealth (via Freakonomics Blog on the NYT). This is not news, as it supports prior studies that revealed the same information.

The Northeast is underrepresented, but most enlisted service members hail from middle class neighborhoods and are more likely to have achieved a higher level of education than their civilian counterparts.

So, while statistics can be manipulated, this certainly argues against the idea that the military is an employer of last resort.

As always, the comment are as illuminating as the article. Definitely worth reading through them...

Thoughts?

Mrs. Lieutenant - Winner and Questions Answered

The winner of Mrs. Lieutenant from the Bloggy Giveaways Carnival is Jo, who asked:

Was your info on the four different wives taken from the lives of family and friends, or of strangers? Are you portraying yourself in one of the four women?

Phyllis Zimbler Miller responds to some reader questions:

Great questions! And instead of trying to answer all of them individually, I’m going to write overall replies that I hope will answer almost everything.

Background of Novel/Characters

I wrote this novel based on personal experiences I had in the spring of 1970 when I was, indeed, a new army officer’s wife at Ft. Knox, Kentucky, right after the Kent State National Guard shootings.

Of course I mashed up incidents and people’s characteristics. And I dramatized and expanded incidents and personalities.

But what’s true is that, besides me – a Jew from Elgin, Illinois, on the entertainment committee for the graduation luncheon for the wives of the AOB officers were a Southern Baptist, a black, and two Puerto Ricans, one of whom didn’t speak English. Needless to say, we all had to do some adjusting to each other.

And while Sharon Gold is the closest character to me, I was not an anti-war protester. I had my head stuck very far in the sand in order to ignore the nightly news of fighting in Vietnam because my husband had said on our third date: “I’m going to Vietnam.”

In fact, my husband served two years on active duty, although he had signed up for a third year under a voluntary indefinite program. Then the military decided to reduce the number of ROTC officers on active duty.


Coverage of Iraq War/Fictional Depiction of Combat

One of the differences between the media’s coverage of Vietnam and today of the Iraq War and the fighting in Afghanistan, I believe, is that there was a draft during the Vietnam War. This meant that many more people were affected by what was happening half-way around the world. Today, with an all-volunteer army, the war isn’t as much of a major topic, so I think the media tend to give less coverage to war news.

And as to whether any book or movie can ever completely represent what it is like in combat, I don’t think so. But sometimes there are telling moments in a fictional story that are very compelling.

There’s a moment in the movie THE DEER HUNTER before two of the protagonists escape their captors that has forever stayed with me: An unknown American soldier stands waist-high in water in a wire cage with blood dripping down his face. He’s alive, but he’s not there; he’s retreated from the reality of his surroundings. To me the hopelessness on his face feels completely real.


Various Questions Answered

What I think is most applicable from those days to these days is that it is important to show support for the troops. While showing appreciation doesn’t promise to prevent post-traumatic stress disorder, it must be helpful to have a supportive public rather than a hostile public.

Best perk of being an army wife was when we lived in Munich we could travel all over Europe (on a very limited budget). And traveling around Europe is the one thing I do miss from my army days.

Hardest thing was worrying about my husband being sent to Vietnam.

For people who have no idea what the military is like, I think the most important thing to understand is that it is a very large extended family. And soldiers have to trust their comrades to have their backs. Thus military spouses must accept this reality and be willing to play their part as to what is expected of them.

I frequently blog about Lifetime’s ARMY WIVES at mrslieutenant.blogspot.com. I’ve read the non-fiction book by Tanya Biank on which the series is based, so I know how the stories have been changed from the book. And because it has been 36 years since I was a Mrs. Lieutenant, I can’t vouch for how accurate the series is.

I also can’t say how things have changed for junior officers’ wives since that time. But I’m pretty sure the wife of a low-ranking enlisted man still can’t be good friends with the wife of a post’s commanding general as in ARMY WIVES. [Technically, spouses of service members of any rank can be friends. Fraternization rules apply only to the service member. However, the restriction on fraternization for the service member can make such spouse friendships difficult. --Ed.]

The biggest challenge in writing this novel was giving up being a journalist (I have a B.A. in Journalism from Michigan State University) and learning how to write as a novelist.

While I can’t speak personally about how to stay connected as I wasn’t separated from my husband, I can say what I think is the hardest part of being a military wife: Not having control over your own destiny. Some bureaucrat somewhere can change your life forever. (In my case an army clerk in St. Louis probably saved my husband’s life when she postponed his active duty date until he got a response on his request for a branch transfer from infantry to military intelligence.)


Helping Our Troops

Right now Operation Soldier Care is a collaborative summer project between eMail Our Military and Mary Kay sales director Nancy Sutherland to get sun care and skin care packages to the troops dealing with the desert heat in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. Go to http://emailourmilitary.blogspot.com to learn about the different ways you can help this project.

In addition, on my website www.mrslieutenant.com there’s a section about organizations supporting military families and personnel. One in particular – Soldiers’ Angels (www.soldiersangels.org) – is involved in sending letters and packages to deployed troops. And be sure to send your old cell phones to Cell Phones for Soldiers (www.cellphonesforsoldiers.com).

[There is also a post on An Army Wife's Life about supporting our troops.

Thanks, everyone, for such good questions. I hope you’ll all read MRS. LIEUTENANT, and you can reach me through my website at www.mrslieutenant.com with more questions. And thanks to Candace at An Army Wife’s Life for hosting this giveaway. I really appreciate it.

Please feel free to continue the discussion in the comments section!!!

Mrs. Lieutenant Giveaway

We had a lot of fun last time with our giveaway of a signed copy of Mrs. Lieutenant, by Phyllis Zimbler Miller. Check out her guest post about an Army Wife's First Day.

So, for the Bloggy Giveaways Carnival we're doing it again!

Mrs. Lieutenant is a great read for anyone who enjoys Vietnam-era historical fiction, stories about the life of a military spouse, or a book that explores the relationships between a group of diverse women.

To enter to win a copy, just leave a comment here by August 1, 2008, 11:59 PM EST with a question for Phyllis Zimbler Miller.

You can visit the Mrs. Lieutenant site and/or check out her guest post from last month for ideas. You must leave A QUESTION for the author. Comments that simply say, "win" or "hello" or "nice book" will not be eligible. All readers with US, US military, and Canadian addresses are eligible.

Check back and we'll post (and e-mail) the winner and, as a bonus, Phyllis will also answer a few select reader questions (will post on the morning of August 2). So don't forget to bookmark An Army Wife's Life and come back next week!

PS--A reader told me she got an error message. Not sure why Haloscan is acting up, but if you are unable to leave a comment, feel free to e-mail me your comment and your nickname and I'll be happy to post it for you. Have fun with the contests!!!

When the Soldier's Away, the Blogger Will Be Silent?

For the military wife bloggers out there, or anyone whose husband is frequently gone on business trips, do you blog when the soldier is away from home? Do you feel you have enough anonymity or are you not concerned about any safety issues? Does it matter if he is away for a shorter or longer time? (I'm assuming male spouses don't worry about this...but maybe I'm wrong.)

When DH was active duty, I always felt uncomfortable blogging about his absence while he was on field exercises...yet, I blogged about his deployment while he was gone.

It does not make a ton of sense, but I think part of it was the fact that there was no way to avoid the issue of his deployment on a Military Spouse blog and another part was, living in Killeen, it wouldn't be that hard for someone to figure out whose spouse was gone anyway. So, blogging about the deployment, on an anonymous blog, didn't seem to add significantly to the safety risk.

Since then, I've started a number of other online projects that are connected with my real name. And people who know me in real life have discovered this blog (and that's a whole 'nother can of worms).

DH has left Active Duty, but is still in the National Guard.

Suddenly, when he leaves, I feel exposed.

This time, I feel comfortable blogging about his absense because I'll have family visiting. He's headed off to Captain's Career Course in preparation for taking command this summer. But generally, if he will be gone overnight, I just don't say anything.

How about you? What are your thoughts and comfort level on this topic?

An Army Officer Wife's First Day

Please welcome guest blogger Phyllis Zimbler Miller, author of Mrs. Lieutenant, who has a second novel, Mrs. Lieutenant in Europe, in progress.

Sharon Gold's First Official Day as a Mrs. Lieutenant

Robert reemerges from the bedroom in his uniform, carrying his uniform hat, and stands in front of her for inspection. She wants to say "good luck." The words stick in her throat – don't these words imply the opposite is feared? She says: "You look terrific."

And he does look terrific if you like men in uniforms.

He kisses her good-bye at the front door. She stands on the balcony and watches him down the stairs to the car. He waves and mouths "I love you." Then he's gone.

She is without wheels and all alone.

In my novel MRS. LIEUTENANT: A SHARON GOLD NOVEL, this is the first day that Robert Gold reports for Armor Officers Basic (AOB) training at Ft. Knox, Kentucky, in May of 1970. Sharon is left in a strange new place – Muldraugh, Kentucky (not even mail delivery!) – with no friends, no car and no place to go.

Does this sound familiar to many of you? And while the book is fiction, this description is how I felt when my husband of six months reported to the first day of Armor Officers Basic.

I was unprepared to be a military spouse. Of course both my father and my husband's father had served in World War II. But that war was different. There weren't anti-war protesters chanting "Hell, no, we won't go!" – or two years earlier "Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?" – on college campuses throughout the country. The first draft lottery had been only months before in December, and young men getting draft notices were fleeing to Canada.

Although my husband had told me on our third date that he was going to Vietnam, and although one of his best high school friends (who had volunteered for the army) had been killed in Vietnam, I had my head stuck in the sand like an ostrich. I neither watched the Vietnam casualty reports on the nightly news nor read the newspaper accounts of the combat actions.

And what's more, here at Ft. Knox I was totally alone because the army hadn't said whether ROTC second lieutenants reporting for AOB could bring their wives. I refused to stay home, and with great difficulty we had found decent off-base housing. Now nine weeks of isolation stretched before me.

Then my husband came home with an invitation for a function for the wives of his AOB class (see this invite at www.mrslieutenant.com in the section of original army documents). I attended the first function, where I learned that the army had a training program for AOB wives complete with a graduation luncheon. And that I needed to buy the $1 book "Mrs. Lieutenant" by Mary Preston Gross to learn how to be a proper officer's wife.

Thus began my initiation into being a military spouse. And the plus side was that I started making friends, shared a car with another AOB wife, and had places to go – even if only (after Memorial Day) to the officers country club to work on my tan at the swimming pool!

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Visit www.mrslieutenant.com to find out more about Sharon Gold's fictional adventures as Mrs. Lieutenant.

WIN IT: Phyllis Zimbler Miller is offering a signed copy of her novel, Mrs. Lieutenant, to one reader. All readers with US, US military, and Canadian addresses are eligible.

1. To enter, just leave a comment here by 9pm EST June 30, either about this post (for example, tell us about your own "first day" as a spouse or soldier) or about something you saw on www.mrslieutenant.com. Comments that simply say, "win" or "hello" will not be eligible.
   
2. Click HERE to find out about another way to win from YourMilitary.com.
   

The Homefront Club Military Wife Advice Book (Review and Contest)

The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family is essentially a much needed pep talk for Military Wives.

Author Jacey Eckhardt provides a way of looking at the life, not as a burden, not as a paradise, but simply as it is. Military Life, just like any other, has its ups and downs and its pros and cons, although the service does seem to heighten the highs and the lows.

The key to a happy life, military or otherwise, is how you view it. There are plenty of guides out there that will tell you what to do as a military spouse, but The Homefront Club shares some ideas about why.

Another guide book may tell you all about TRICARE and teas and coffees, which is useful information, but quirky variations between branches and posts and sudden changes of policy can quickly render any authoritative statement obsolete. So, instead of trying to take the place of a good Family Readiness Group, Eckhardt helps the reader put herself in the right frame of mind to make the most of her husband's military career.

Don't worry, though, this isn't a rah, rah, Stepford Wife, rose-colored glasses kind of book. The book acknowledges all of the sacrifices inherent in military life. Assuming your husband is worth those sacrifices (and Eckhardt says he absolutely has to be for things to work), how can you accept and even embrace these challenges?

You don't have to fall in love with the military, but if you are in love with your husband, isn't it better to celebrate your life, rather than to wallow in misery?

After providing this food for thought, Eckhardt gets down to advice for military wives about finding a job, moving, and raising a family. She provides some excellent resources and ideas. The strength of the book lies in helping the reader be open to these suggestions.

We've all met the person who just wants to complain. You try to offer some help, but for every idea, she has a reason why it just won't work. Eckhardt first tries to adjust that perception, then provides the strategies.

In addition to a philosophy of Military living and lots of tips, the book also has plenty of laugh out loud anecdotes about our warriors, our children, and ourselves.

Like many first editions, the book could use a little more editing--there are some minor errors and sometimes the train of thought gets a bit muddled.

Overall, though, The Homefront Club is an excellent read for a military wife at any stage of her "career." Newcomers will get a helpful introduction that could save them years of bitterness. Wives a few years in will find a friendly voice to guide them in redirecting their thoughts towards happiness. And old timers will get a friendly reminder about why they continue to choose this life.

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WANT IT: BUY The Homefront Club ($13.57)

WIN IT: I have a gently used copy (I read it once for the purposes of the review and the back cover has a crease from our latest move) up for grabs for anyone who would like this book for themselves or someone they know. Just leave a comment here with a helpful tip or a few words of encouragement for military spouses by February 1, 2008, 8PM EST. I'll choose the winner at random and will ship to any US (including US Military addresses that count as US shipping) or Canadian address. This contest is part of the fabulous Bloggy Giveaways. Check out the other contests, but be sure to first leave your comment on this post if you want to be eligible to win this book. Good luck!

Being part of the Military Family makes me thankful for... (Military Family Blog Carnival)

Welcome to the third edition of the (hopefully) growing Military Family Carnival.

Being part of the Military Family makes me thankful for...

Thanksgiving can be a beautiful celebration of all the blessings we enjoy. Many families lay the best table they can, express gratitude for the best of the year, and enjoy the company of family and close friends.

For many military families, this Thanksgiving will be spend apart from those they love most.

Last year on Thanksgiving, we had much cause for joy. My husband had returned home from Iraq, our daughter's heart condition had been successfully repaired, and the rest of the soldiers from his unit were either home or on their way.

Since baby was still recovering, we could not yet travel. So, we invited the unit soldiers who had no where to go to come join us.

Baby was still having major anxiety about being separated from mommy, Captain Dad was experimenting with cooking a turkey for the first time, we had never hosted Thanksgiving before, and we had no idea how many guests to expect.

In the end, I held the baby while passing along words of encouragement and instructions about the side dishes to Captain Dad, we pressed another spouse into service, and we had plenty of good food.

Although I certainly missed being around our extended family, I think that impromptu celebration will always be one of my favorite Thanksgiving memories.

Being a part of the military family reminds me what really counts in life. We have freedom, continually renewed for us by our active participation and the efforts of our warriors. And we have each other, a gift made even more precious by the times we spend apart.

I hope you are spending this Thanksgiving with your soldier...but if you are not, you have my prayers for a safe and quick reunion. May this Holiday and others be filled with blessings for you.

I hope you will join me this week and share a post about why you are thankful:

1. Please post on the theme. If you do not have a blog, ask to hijack a friend's for the day or consider Guest Blogging your post on An Army Wife's Life.
2. Please link back to this post so your readers will come read and maybe participate, too.
3. Add your post title (to get readers interested in visiting you) and specific post URL (not your entire blog) to Mr. Linky.
   

To encourage participation, I will be offering a prize. At the end of the month, one participant will be chosen at random to win a copy of Doonesbury.com's The Sandbox: Dispatches from Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Ask Molly: Moving "Home" During a Deployment

A reader posted this comment:

Does anyone have any advice? My brother is due to deploy overseas within a year and it is causing problems in his marriage. His family (young wife and 2 year old daughter) and my family moved half way across the country two years ago to forge a better life away from the West coast. Our father also lives here. We are all within minutes of each other. Now that he is due to deploy, his wife wants to move back in with her mother out west. He doesn't want her to. They have a home here, pets, her job, baby's daycare, etc. I'm sure he wants to know that while he is deployed, someone is here maintaining a "Normal" life for him to return to. Her mother has been trying to get her to return the whole two years and is pressuring her, also. (Of course they never got along when they lived together before.) My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment. Does anyone have any advice on books, etc., that might help her understand his point? Thanks.

Elizabeth | 11.11.07 - 2:10 pm |

Dear Elizabeth,

Hopefully some of my readers will add their comments as well so you can get more than one perspective.

Deciding whether to stay where you live with your spouse or return "home" with your parents while your spouse is deployed is a very difficult decision.

Before I could offer my own advice and opinion to a spouse, I'd need to know some more details, such as whether the service member is Active Duty, National Guard, or Reserves, how close the spouse lives to a post if the service member is not Active Duty, what sort of support system she has in place, and the length of the deployment.

If the spouse has a good support system in place, the kids have friends, and the deployment is likely to be a year or less, then it is often a good decision to stay put.

Some spouses may find, especially if they have a very young baby, if they have not established a support system, or if they are facing a long deployment, that they would rather move back in with a parent, possibly also saving money.

I stayed in Killeen during my husband's deployment and it was a mixed bag, but overall I made the right decision for us.

Ultimately, though, every person is an individual and this is a decision that will be made by the couple. Yes, his deployment will be a stressful time for him and he does need the support of his family. Deployment can also be very trying for the spouse, as well, and your sister in law also needs to know that her needs are understood and respected.

While there are some good books out there for military spouses (I link to a number in my sidebar), no book will be able to take into account all the individual circumstances a person may face.

I think it is wonderful that your family is so close. I am sure you have the best interests of your whole family in mind (including your brother, your sister in law, and of course your little niece), but I am a little concerned that you are searching for resources to help her understand his perspective, rather than resources that might allow both of them better understand each others' points of view.

In the long run, I think that a healthy marriage will grow in depth during the separation, no matter what decision they make. So, the important part is really how they reach that decision.

My suggestions to you is that you recommend they utilize some of the following resources to help maintain the health of their relationship and then allow them lots of space to sort it out together, possibly with a neutral person trained in relationship counseling.

• Military OneSource: Military OneSource is your one-stop resource for pretty much everything. They even have Master's level consultants who will answer the phone 24-7 and help military service members and family locate resources, including limited free counseling sessions. You have to register to use the website, but it is all free.
  
• The Unit or Post Chaplain: If your brother and his wife are on or near a post, a Chaplain could be an excellent resource. Most will keep religion out of the discussion if asked, and they have training in the specific issues military couples face as well as access to extensive resources.
  
• The Family Readiness Group: The leader should be able to at least point the spouse to some resources for making the decision. Also, the quality of the support available might factor into the decision and possibly persuade her to stay.
  
• The Military Couples' Workshop or Retreat: There are a lot of workshops and retreats that may help them work through some of these issues. Some are for those who are experiencing trouble reintegrating after a deployment, but others are open to service members and their spouses before hand. Ask the command about Building Strong and Ready Families program, a two-day program that helps couples develop better communication skills, reinforced by a weekend retreat. If they are Reserve or National Guard, there is a "Strong Bonds Marriage Education Program."
• Army Community Services or similar post service: If they are active duty or activated and near a post, there should be an office that is a clearinghouse for various classes and opportunities.
  
• Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Another person's perspective + 26 comments from readers on the issue. (from SpouseBUZZ)

Hopefully these resources will help them reach the right decision for them as a couple and I am sure your family will support them, regardless of what that decision may be.

My prayers are with your brother and your whole family as you prepare for his deployment.


"Ask Molly" represents only my opinion and the comments of readers represent their opinions. I draw upon my training as a Family Readiness Group leader, my own experience and that of those I know, and any research I found on the Internet. I am not a trained counselor.

Military Family Blog Carnival: I first knew I was part of the Military Family when...

Welcome to my first ever Military Family Blog Carnival on An Army Wife's Life.

Please write a post and add your post title and specific post URL (not your entire blog) to Mr. Linky. Write about whatever you like, however, you like--just make sure it is an actual post on the topic. You could tell an anecdote, share your thoughts, put up photographs, compose a poem, anything that you believe fits the topic. On Friday, I will move this post back up to the top and copy your links into the main body of the post.

If you do not have a blog, ask to hijack a friend's for the day or consider Guest Blogging your post on An Army Wife's Life.


To encourage participation, I will be offering a prize. At the end of the month, one participant will be chosen at random to win a copy of Doonesbury.com's The Sandbox: Dispatches from Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I am really hoping you'll join me and that this will build, because I think it would be fun!

This week's topic is: I first knew I was part of the Military Family when...

When my husband left for Basic Training, it just didn't seem real. I was still working the same job, hanging out with the same friends, and . I moved into a smaller apartment closer to work because going from NYC big firm law salary to specialist in the US Army is quite a pay cut, but we've never been big spenders so other than that my lifestyle did not change much.

So it wasn't until I went to Basic Training graduation that I really understood that I was now an Army Wife. When the new soldiers marched out, calling cadence, I immediately felt a renewed sense of pride in my husband's accomplishments. He had already accumulated lots of prestigious awards and positions in his academic and work career. That he also possesses the integrity to serve his country, the sense of duty to see that commitment through, and the physical and psychological strength to make it happen, gave me a huge amount of respect not just for him, but for all of our warriors.

Then, I looked around and saw all of the other wives, girlfriends, parents, and siblings, also angling for a view of their soldier. I realized that although we were different ages and came from different regions, we were united in our love for our troops. Our men, it was an all-male class, were being accepted into the world's most elite military at a time when our nation was at war. I knew at that moment that, although the road ahead would be tough, I would never be walking it alone.

Please tell your story and add your link below. Remember, the only rules are:

1. You should post relating to the theme.
2. Link back to this post so others will know about the carnival and play along.
3. Add the title of your post and the URL of your SPECIFIC post below (not your homepage).

UPDATE: Thank you to our first participant: Then I Knew (Christine)

Only one so far but I'm not discouraged...it is brand new and several bloggers have told me they plan to join in. So, go ahead and get posting!

You are welcome to post to this theme (stories, anecdotes, thoughts, photos, poems, whatever works for you) at any time. If you want to be considered for the drawing for the book, you'll have to participate in one or more of the carnivals this month by the last Friday of the month.

Next week's theme, to be posted Monday, is: "Veterans' Day..." This one is wide open--a biography of your favorite veteran, what the day means to you, pictures of your hometown parade, ideas for ways to honor our veterans...whatever you would like to share about the day!

Sammy's Soldier Helps Children Cope With Deployment: Review & Contest

Sammy's Soldier is sweet picture book, written to help young children feel more comfortable with the deployment process. You can have a chance to win a signed copy at the end of this post.

As both a trained family counselor and the wife of a former Marine, Ms. White understands how confusing and trying deployments can be for our littlest patriots.

Her book follows Sammy through the preparations leading up to his father's deployment, some of the activities Sammy and his mother do during the deployment, and then finally the homecoming. Personally, I would have enjoyed seeing a few more pages identifying ways Sammy and his mother pass the deployment.

The naturalistic illustrations and simple text make for an easy and enjoyable read for children, ages 3-8. At the end of the book is a page for the child to draw a picture of his or her own hero.

This picture book is a wonderful starting point for children to discuss deployment with their families, including their feelings about the deployment and also ways they can cope with their emotions positively.

Military life is certainly different from civilian life (in fact, this review was delayed as our final military move ended up taking up more time and energy than I had planned) and Ms. White understands that. Sammy's Soldier goes a long towards normalizing the deployment experience, making it less threatening and stressful for military children.



This is a great book and I'm hoping to pass it along to someone who can use it. Whether you have a young child who loves a soldier, or you know of a friend who would like the book, or you are a soldier's angel, it is simple to enter this contest.

As part of the Rocks in My Dryer Fall, Y'all Bloggy Giveaway, I'm hosting a giveaway of a copy of this book, which has been signed by the author.

All you have to do is leave a comment by November 2 and make sure to include an e-mail or website where I can reach you. Your e-mail does not appear publicly but I will be able to view it. I hate spam and will only e-mail you if you win!

Contest Ends: 11:59, November 2 and the winner will be announced on Nov. 3



While you are here, don't forget to check out my upcoming Military Family Blog Carnivals (with a prize) and the opportunities to Guest Blog.

Military Family Carnival: Molly Wants You!

Starting in November, I will host a blog carnival for Military Family Members and Spouses (and Military Personnel are welcome, too, although you may have to put your own spin on the topic).

I hope give out a prize once a month, drawn randomly from all the participants that month. If you post in multiple weeks, you'll get multiple entries!!! If I find lots of sponsors, I'll give out prizes more frequently.

Here's how it works:

1. Each week on Monday I'll post a topic and include a little box where you can add the title of your post and your link to that specific post. If you want to plan ahead, I'll put the topics for the month in the sidebar.
   
2. Write a post (or revisit and revise an old post) and link back to the specific post for that week where everyone will be adding their links.
3. On Friday, I'll change the date on the post to make it appear at the top of the page so everyone will see your cool posts. Please go visit each other's posts and read and comment.
4. The following Monday I will add all the links into the post permanently and start with a new post.
   
5. Got suggestions for topics??? I'm all ears. Post them here in the comments or shoot me an e-mail: mollypitcher at gmail dot com.
   

Unemployment Benefits for Military Spouses

I saw this in Army Times and then another Mom on Maya's Mom posted it: 4 more states offer benefits to spouses forced to quit jobs (see excerpt and map below).

What are your thoughts on the topic? Should spouses who quit to move with a servicemember be entitled to unemployment? What, if any, restrictions should be placed on it?

Is it the least the states can do for the families who are serving? Is it critical to national security because of the need to retain servicemembers and keep family morale going? Is it promoting a culture of dependency and discouraging able bodied workers from finding work once they move?

What are your thoughts as a military spouse? as a citizen? as a taxpayer?

Should the federal government change the law to require states to define a military move as being unemployed "through no fault of your own?" Or should the military keep lobbying each of the remaining states individually?

My personal experience was I left my job and was not granted a leave of absence because I am a military spouse and they did not think I would be back (I actually have this in writing, smart PR move on their part, huh?).

Texas actually has a great program, Texas Workforce, available free to military spouses that provides resources for job hunting and actually pays for certifications, classes, gas, babysitting, and more while you look for a job if you left a job to move to Texas with your spouse on military orders.

I ended up freelancing, but they would have paid for all exams and certifications for me to transfer my teaching certification to Texas--down to the postage required for mailing in the forms.

Personally, I would like to see more funding for programs like this, helping military families to locate jobs when they PCS. However, I do think it is important to have a safety net for military families--especially because a servicemember will be more effective and more likely to stay in the military if his spouse and family are satisfied with their situation.

I do worry about abuses, as I do with any other benefits program for any group of people, but I do think in this case these new laws are on the right track.

I would love to hear your thoughts!

4 more states offer benefits to spouses forced to quit jobs (EXCERPT, click for full article)

According to the Defense Department, 21 states now allow trailing military spouses to receive unemployment benefits. Eight states deny such benefits outright; the rest consider such requests on a case-by-case basis.

The Pentagon is working this issue hard. Since defense officials launched a “USA 4 Military Families” state partnership program three years ago, 13 states have changed their policies to let spouses get unemployment compensation.

“I see it as a part of what DoD is doing today to connect these folks to military families and their communities,” said Joyce Raezer, chief operating officer for the National Military Family Association.

“For years, DoD’s attitude was that they couldn’t do anything about it, it wasn’t their issue,” Raezer said. “But now they are saying that if military spouse careers are important to retention, maybe they need to step up and do what they can to help spouses.”

Map of the states that offer unemployment to military spouses who move on orders:

A Crossroads...

What should I do with this blog?

Whether you are a regular reader who still stops back now and again and/or has me on a feed reader or you found me through a google search, I'd like your input, please!

This is the situation: DH has left the active duty Army, and I've been blogging away elsewhere about my life as a mother and products for the family.

We've been house hunting, which, even in this soft market, is incredibly difficult in New York on a civil servant's salary.

I've been trying to raise awareness about congenital heart defects and hopefully also some money...donate now for a chance to win cool prizes!

At any rate, it is becoming more and more difficult to blog from the military spouse standpoint.

So, I have a few options:

1. Delete the blog. I don't like this one because there are some posts up here that are still useful to people and I don't want the address taken over by spammers. It has a high Page Rank and could be a likely target.

2. Give the address to another military spouse and back-up the posts to another address for posterity (but this would make it more difficult for people to find).

3. Have guest blog posts, a military spouse (or just military) round-up, a carnival, "Ask Molly" and maybe some other random fun once a week.

I'm leaning towards #3 because the blog would still have its archives, would still be useful to the community, and would give new military bloggers a chance to grab a high value link and maybe some more of an audience.

PLEASE give me your thoughts!

I already get tons of questions that I just answer via e-mail, so that part would be easy. Would you be interested in guest blogging? Would you enjoy a carnival? A link round-up?

Let me know!!!

Just when I thought that I was out...

...they pull me back in.

No, DH has not been called back up from IRR (Individual Ready Reserve). We are still leaving active duty.

However, DH has decided that, in addition to his work as an Assistant District Attorney, he will join the New York National Guard for a few reasons.

In no particular order:

• He wants to continue serving his nation.
• They will stabilize him for two years and cut his IRR commitment in half
• He likes the military

So...now I will find myself in an entirely different sort of military spouse role. Any advice from current or former guard spouses?

Stressed? Need Help? HA!

So, I just finished posting a review of Sittercity on Mamanista, and before I went to bed I figured I would check my e-mail. Only the usual scary e-mail from Baby Center about all the horrible things that will happen if I do/don't do x, y, or z.

Of course, I always click. Just because I know what they are doing, that doesn't mean it does not work. Then I saw this title, which caught my attention for obvious reasons:

Moms in U.S. military stressed, need help

No, really? You don't say? I thought the timing was interesting and also thought I would share this info with you.

Narcissist that I am, I originally assumed it was going to be about MilSpouses. Nope, even worse! It is about the women who are actually IN the armed services. I have often wondered how these women do it...they truly do deserve our support. I wish I had some call to action to go with this post--write your congressmen or hug a female soldier (wait, don't do that, you might get seriously hurt if you aren't a friend)...lemme think about it for a while. And if you have any ideas or know of any programs, please fill me in.

Here's some information from the article:

WASHINGTON, May 11 (Reuters) - Mothers in the U.S. military are stressed, poorly paid and need more help caring for their children, according to a report issued by Congress on Friday.

Nearly half of all women in the active-duty military have been deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, and 24,475 women are there now, the report by the Joint Economic Committee said.

Moreover, women get only 6 weeks of leave after the birth of a child, it found.

"Making sure military mothers have the quality child care, generous family leave, and access to mental health services they need is key to their family well-being and our national security," New York Democratic Rep. Carolyn Maloney said in a statement.

[The Joint Economic Committee] said that women represent one in seven U.S. military personnel in Iraq, and that most are in the lowest-paid ranks.

However, military mothers are much more likely to be single or divorced, or married to other members of the military who also face deployment.

The report, available on the Internet at http://www.jec.senate.gov, said the military may be stretched to recruit and retain women if it does not provide better services.

Don't You Feel Special?

Apparently it is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. And here is one of the ways the Army is showing its appreciation:

Uppercasing 'Families' highlights support - Apr 24, 2007 - BY IMCOM-Europe Public Affairs

"The acting secretary of the Army and the chief of staff of the Army have emphasized that Army Families are a key component of our readiness," noted Lieutenant General James L. Campbell in a recent message.

Army Families "shoulder a great burden of sacrifice, supporting their Soldier and often enduring long periods of separation from their loved ones," Campbell said, adding that top-notch care and support of Army Families demonstrate "our sincere appreciation and gratitude for their many contributions."

Therefore, Campbell directed that the word Families now be capitalized.

For the Army in Europe, this rule applies to all documents in various medium, not just correspondence, said Dwayne Viergutz, chief of Installation Management Command-Europe, document management branch. Examples include: briefing slides, executive summaries, forms, information papers, publications and Web sites.

The support bulletin board I visit is (rightfully so) laughing at this latest "PR" move. Let's increase the length and number of deployments--but we'll capitalize "Families," so it is all good.

Seriously, do they even think before they put this out? Or are they trying to be funny? Really, with a few more sentences, this could be on The Onion (a satire weekly with fake "news").

Catch-22

This past week I was at the clinic for my eye exam.

A young soldier (although they all look so young...must be that P.T.) was on line in front of me, trying to clear post.

I was trying not to listen, but the conversation was getting a little loud. The receptionist was looking at him with a combination of frustration, apathy, and a tiny bit of malicious glee that I have only ever seen on a bureaucrat. *

He was trying to retrieve his wife's records and it went something like this:

R: You need to have form 33RGobbledeeGookDeltaR filled out.

S: That was not in my out processing packet.

R: Well, no...it is for a spouse's records.

S: So should my wife have received it?

R: No, only soldiers receive out processing packets.

S: So how would we have known about it?

R: About what?

S: The form.

R: What form?

S: The form I need to get records.

R: You do not need a form to get records.

S: So can I get my wife's records?

R: No, you need 33RGobbledeeGookDeltaR.

S: Can I get the form?

R: No, you don't need a form.

S: Can my wife get the records?

R: No.

S: Why not?

R: They are in the system.

S: Where are my records?

R: In the system.

S: The same system that has mine?

R: Yes.

S: So why can't I get hers?

R: They are in the system, so there is a form.

And so on...for about five or so minutes. This was one of those times when I wish I had a pen and pad to record this conversation. It was truly a work of art and my memory does not do it justice.

The poor soul wandered off, without his prize, looking dismayed and confused.

I went to the window and the receptionist seemed determined to continue the fight: "Not my fault...I just work here...there's a form."

I just mumbled something noncommittal, "Hmmm...yeah...I have a 1pm appointment; here's my ID..." Thankfully no form was required.

All I can say is that I just cannot wait until it is our turn to try to clear this post. I will remember to bring pad and pen along.


* If you are a bureaucrat, I am sure you are a caring, compassionate, overworked soul. I do not mean you. Obviously.

Never Say Goodbye

Bear with me, I am about to ramble...some navel-gazing philosophizing of the worst sort, I suspect.

If you had asked me fifteen years ago whether I would marry a man who would eventually join the service, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. (Molly fancied herself a bit of an anti-authoritarian rebel back in the day)

My life is completely different from the way I imagined it back in high school, and yet I wouldn't trade it. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the other one, that person who took a different path, out of the corner of my eye. There's a glint of sunlight, the smell of damp earth, the heat rising off the pavement and she's there. Just a flicker and she's gone...

She's usually heading wherever the wind blows, or some other cliche straight out of a novel written well before her time, most likely while the author was under the influence of some psychoactive drug that may or may not have yet been illegal at the moment in history.

Times change, however, and here I am.

Never say never.

And never say goodbye. Everything we ever were or ever dreamed of comes along for the ride.

This is a long way of announcing that DH's REFRAD packet (Release from Active Duty) has been approved.

Don't drop me from your bookmarks and blogrolls, yet, though--please!

There is still clearing post, final PCS, and readjustment to civilian life fun to be had. And let's not even talk about the fact that DH can still be called up until he has finished out his IRR commitment and resigned his commission!


Barring any monkey business, though, we will be on our way back to New York this summer.

In some ways, however, I don't feel like we ever left. Sure, I threw myself into the whole Army Wife with abandon. I read the books, cried the tears, celebrated the joys, blogged the life, bought the t-shirt...

If DH had decided to make this his career, I would have supported him 100%. There are certainly some aspects of being a MilSpouse that I will miss.

In general we are a tight, supportive group.

Both the official policy and the zeitgeist are very pro-family, even if the job requirements aren't always conducive to stability.

There is always something meaningful that can be done...for the husband, the families, the unit. You know, for God and Country and all that.

I can't say I would view the prospect of another imminent deployment with great relish...but if I had to do it, I could do it, and I would do it.

Still, somewhere in the back of my mind, I suspected this was all temporary. My "real life" was waiting for me back in New York.

Except, my life has undergone so many transformations, I am not even sure what that means anymore, beyond that it involves DH and Lilah. We aren't even moving back to one of the counties where DH and I grew up...he's accepted an offer to be an Assistant District Attorney in a county a little further out from the city. Certainly much closer to family than we've been in a long while, but not we were in the neighborhood so we thought we'd drop by close.

I guess where I am going with this, if I am going anywhere at all, is that either it is all my "real life" or none of it is.

I suppose someday there will be the smell of fresh paint, or the thudding approach of a helicopter, or the unfurling of a flag, and I will spot her--drying tears and hugging someone she barely knows, hosting social gatherings and meetings, and trying to hold it together so the younger ones will take strength from her example. And she'll look proud, and perhaps a little weary, foundation caked from when she hastily re-applied her happy face. Then, a deep cannon-like boom, and she'll vanish.

Some days I feel like I trail these other me's behind me, like ghosts.

On other days, I realize that all of my experiences have brought me to this moment. Whatever other paths I may not have chosen, everything I ever have or will done travels along with me on this one...not behind me, or beside me, but in everything I am.

Molly Pitcher is...Molly Pitcher!

When I found out DH was Field Artillery, I began calling myself, "Molly Pitcher," after the Revolutionary War heroine:

That day at Monmouth was as hot as Valley Forge was cold. Someone had to cool the hot guns and bathe parched throats with water.

Across that bullet-swept ground, a striped skirt fluttered. Mary Hays McCauly was earning her nickname "Molly Pitcher" by bringing pitcher after pitcher of cool spring water to the exhausted and thirsty men.

While she watched, [her husband] fell wounded. The piece, its crew too depleted to serve it, was about to be withdrawn. Without hesitation, Molly stepped forward and took the rammer staff from her fallen husband’s hands.

-- from the Ft. Sill History Homepage

At the time, I did not realize there was an actual Molly Pitcher medal given out to spouses who support the King of Battle.

When we arrived at Ft. Hood, we attended our first St. Barbara's Ball and I watched on, I must confess, with envy as several spouses received the Molly Pitcher award. It seemed so very romantic...in the 19th century sense. Having declared myself "Molly Pitcher" in the blogosphere, I felt a hunger to become "Molly Pitcher" in the eyes of the Field Artillery Association.

During my years in da Hood, I received a few awards from the Battalion, Brigade, and even one from the Division, but Molly Pitcher remained elusive. St. Barbara's was not scheduled right before deployment. During deployment, we were told the officers held some sort of St. Barbara's, but details were sketchy. We would have another one when they returned.

Then, one day, my husband called. The Battalion was apparently recommending spouses for civilian medals and for the Molly Pitcher award. He said that he hoped that I would prefer the Molly Pitcher, because I could only be nominated for one of the two and that my name was already submitted for Molly Pitcher. That's when I revealed that I had hoped to be officially named a "Molly Pitcher" awardee since I became aware of that honor at our first (and only) St. Barbara's. Although a civilian medal sounds cool, the unit has already recognized my efforts and my hero (DH) has as well. So, if I had the choice, I wanted to be Molly Pitcher.

Although it is too late to make a long story short, the nomination was kicked back...

...because I had already been "presented" with the Molly Pitcher award over a year ago while they were in Iraq, unbeknownst to me or to DH.

So, all this time, I already had the privilege of being Molly Pitcher and I did not even know it.

The fact that they awarded it to me while they were deployed makes it even more valuable in my eyes--I just wish I had known!

Of course, I may never get to wear my Molly Pitcher medal to St. Barbara's Ball. Although DH already was required to purchase tickets to the Ball weeks ago, we were just told that most likely only the Fires Brigade and company-level commanders and higher will be able to attend. Maybe we'll be invited to use those tickets we were already required to buy and maybe we won't.

By the way, the ball is in three days.

That's just so Army.