Ask Molly: Deployment Checklists

A Reader Asks:

Happy Veterans' Day! I just found your blog and I was wondering if there are directions to making a military family binder, something that would include military records, important numbers, deployments, LES, or anything you can think of. My husband is an Army Reservist and I think this could be very helpful.

First of all, Happy Veterans' Day to you, too! Thank you and your husband for serving!

You did not mention if your husband has been activated in anticipation of a deployment. Regardless, there are some things that every military family should have in a binder. And, really, with a few modifications, this is something that would be useful to any family, military or not.

When my husband deployed, we distributed a deployment checklist of documents and other information that the spouses should have at hand. I googled "deployment checklist" and found a few that may prove helpful. You should of course modify to suit your own situation:

• Deployment Checklist #1
• Deployment Checklist #2 (and the same Checklist as an html webpage instead of .pdf)
• USAA Family Readiness Deployment Guide
• Military One Source - Reservist Deployment Page
  

In general, USAA and MilitaryOneSource are great sources for all sorts of military-friendly planning.

You should always know your husband's unit and have the Red Cross contact information available should you need to contact him in an emergency. I would also like to highlight the Power of Attorney. A general POA (one that enumerates several areas in which your spouse may act for you, such as finances, health decisions, etc.) can be useful, but you need to remember that there is no obligation to accept a power of attorney--if you anticipate needing one, you should contact the relevant bank or other company or military office to make sure you have the correct form.

Couples with children should also be aware of laws that apply to getting passports, enrolling in schools, etc. In some cases, you may need permission from both parents to travel out of country with children.

Hope this helps!

Advice for Dealing With Deployment

iVillage is one of the first "woman-oriented" sites I became aware of online. I've used a lot of their resources, throughout the years, especially once I became pregnant.

I never knew, though, that they had built a thriving military wives' community! And you can also connect with other long distance wives, some of whom are military and others who are geographically separated for different reasons--because sometimes a fresh perspective is just what you need to sort things out in your head.

I got a great e-mail tipping my off to Military Wives' 21 Best Tips for Dealing with a Spouse's Deployment.

I thought all the tips were helpful--even (or especially) the ones that contradicted themselves. There's no one right way to make it through deployment.

The tips that really helped me were:

16. Keep your husband posted. "I write letters to my husband every day (we don't have access to phones or email this time) detailing what our daughter did that day, so he will feel like he's part of her day-to-day life. I take lots of photos of our daughter to send to him. It's difficult because at times it feels like our lives are 'on hold' until he returns." --erinnicolevan

I took a lot of pride in creating care packages for him and his guys. In some small way, this helped me have an active role in the deployment, instead of just passively waiting for things to happen to me. And it pumped up his morale, which greatly improved mine.

19. Stay active. "I have found it vital to have at least one regularly scheduled activity while my husband is gone. It becomes something to look forward to each week, which gives me little milestones along the way." --lizzbert2000

I think I would have gone crazy if I didn't schedule activities. If I kept it loose, then I would just wake up and say, "I don't feel like it today." But if I knew other women, especially other military wives, were counting on me to show up, then I'd kick myself in the pants, get dressed, and get out the door. There's a lot to "Fake It Until You Make It." Sometimes you need a pity party, but most of the time if you just push yourself a little, you'll find yourself having a great time.

Which pieces of advice (from this list or off it) do it for you?

The Homefront Club Military Wife Advice Book (Review and Contest)

The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family is essentially a much needed pep talk for Military Wives.

Author Jacey Eckhardt provides a way of looking at the life, not as a burden, not as a paradise, but simply as it is. Military Life, just like any other, has its ups and downs and its pros and cons, although the service does seem to heighten the highs and the lows.

The key to a happy life, military or otherwise, is how you view it. There are plenty of guides out there that will tell you what to do as a military spouse, but The Homefront Club shares some ideas about why.

Another guide book may tell you all about TRICARE and teas and coffees, which is useful information, but quirky variations between branches and posts and sudden changes of policy can quickly render any authoritative statement obsolete. So, instead of trying to take the place of a good Family Readiness Group, Eckhardt helps the reader put herself in the right frame of mind to make the most of her husband's military career.

Don't worry, though, this isn't a rah, rah, Stepford Wife, rose-colored glasses kind of book. The book acknowledges all of the sacrifices inherent in military life. Assuming your husband is worth those sacrifices (and Eckhardt says he absolutely has to be for things to work), how can you accept and even embrace these challenges?

You don't have to fall in love with the military, but if you are in love with your husband, isn't it better to celebrate your life, rather than to wallow in misery?

After providing this food for thought, Eckhardt gets down to advice for military wives about finding a job, moving, and raising a family. She provides some excellent resources and ideas. The strength of the book lies in helping the reader be open to these suggestions.

We've all met the person who just wants to complain. You try to offer some help, but for every idea, she has a reason why it just won't work. Eckhardt first tries to adjust that perception, then provides the strategies.

In addition to a philosophy of Military living and lots of tips, the book also has plenty of laugh out loud anecdotes about our warriors, our children, and ourselves.

Like many first editions, the book could use a little more editing--there are some minor errors and sometimes the train of thought gets a bit muddled.

Overall, though, The Homefront Club is an excellent read for a military wife at any stage of her "career." Newcomers will get a helpful introduction that could save them years of bitterness. Wives a few years in will find a friendly voice to guide them in redirecting their thoughts towards happiness. And old timers will get a friendly reminder about why they continue to choose this life.

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WANT IT: BUY The Homefront Club ($13.57)

WIN IT: I have a gently used copy (I read it once for the purposes of the review and the back cover has a crease from our latest move) up for grabs for anyone who would like this book for themselves or someone they know. Just leave a comment here with a helpful tip or a few words of encouragement for military spouses by February 1, 2008, 8PM EST. I'll choose the winner at random and will ship to any US (including US Military addresses that count as US shipping) or Canadian address. This contest is part of the fabulous Bloggy Giveaways. Check out the other contests, but be sure to first leave your comment on this post if you want to be eligible to win this book. Good luck!

Best Military Spouse Advice Book (Poll Results)

A very nice military mom (and future military mother in law) asked for some advice about a good book for a new military spouse. I responded and also asked my readers for their suggestions, too. On Monday, I'll have a review and giveaway of The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family.

Here are the results of the reader poll (with 22 votes):

• The Army Wife Handbook: A Complete Social Guide (13%)
• Today's Military Wife: Meeting the Challenges of Service Life (18%)
• Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform (27%)
• The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family (9%)
• Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, Second Edition (4%)
• Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul: Stories to Touch the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit (13%)
• Other (9%)
• I haven't read any Military Spouse advice books (40%)

Books for Military Spouses and Wives (Ask Molly)

Hello Molly,

My son is a marine. He is recently engaged and going on his second deployment but the first for his new fiance. Do you have any book recommendations? I would like to get her a book to help from a girlfriend/spouse perspective and a journal for Christmas. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank your husband for his service and Thank you for serving all the important support lines.

Hello! What a thoughtful gift and a great question.

I'm assuming (a poor thing to do, I know) that you want some sort of advice guide, rather than a fictional work or a book of real-life anecdotes. If you were looking for something else, just drop me another line.

When my husband first joined the military, he bought me a copy of The Army Wife Handbook: A Complete Social Guide. I eagerly devoured the information about proper receiving line etiquette and calling card layouts. I can hear the other spouses snickering already. Needless to say, interesting as this was for the traditionalist and historian in me the advice didn't have much practical application in today's military.

So, I searched for another book and narrowed it down to Today's Military Wife: Meeting the Challenges of Service Life and Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform (the one I chose). Based on other's opinions, I felt that Married to the Military would be the more practical of the two. Amazon now has search inside features for both books, however, so you can check them out.

The reviewers on Amazon seem to have a love-hate relationship with Married to the Military, which I think stems from their feelings towards the author's online community bulletin board, CinChouse. I've never been a part of that board, so I don't quite understand the drama.
I found Married to the Military to be a helpful, if very basic and exclusively female-oriented, guide to life as a Military Spouse. It is an easy-to-browse, clear, and helpful primer for new spouses. If I weren't in the middle of a move, I'd pull it out and be more specific, but I do recall that there were lots of bullet points and call-out boxes for quick reference.

Two new(er) books on the market that look promising are Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family (I'll be reviewing this and giving away a copy in the New Year) and Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, Second Edition (I hope to be reviewing this one, as well).

The Homefront Club certainly has an appealing title--what? me? hardheaded? And, I've read some columns by Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer, authors of Help! I'm a Military Spouse and based on those I have high hopes for the book.

In the meantime, since I won't be able to review these before you need to purchase the book, perhaps readers can chime in with their thoughts and suggestions.

Finally, although I'm not personally a huge fan of the series, those who enjoy homespun wisdom, tear-jerking life affirmations, and inspiring anecdotes will get pretty much exactly what they expect from Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul: Stories to Touch the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit. They gave these out at one of our deployment briefings and I know a lot of the spouses appreciated it. So, that's a good option if you know you like this series.

The challenge with these books is that each service, post or base, and even each family is different. In trying to apply to all, the risk is that you are relevant to none. Being a military spouse is really on the job training and she'll hopefully get lots of help from other spouses in her community--or from online communities. However, I do think a book can be a great peak into this lifestyle she is about to enter and a wonderful gift. She's lucky to be gaining such a sweet mother-in-law.

Please let us know which one you pick and your thoughts once you browse it, too!

Cheers and Merry Christmas!


PS: The links above are for the books at Amazon. Also, if you plan to buy online, I have a coupon code for Barnes and Noble: Click HERE to save 25% on one item at Barnes&Noble.com. Use coupon code N6R7C4J. (expires 12/18/07)

And by the way, I know you already have experience, but many parents have found AUSA's Guide for Parents of Deployed Soldiers helpful, and it may have some information that is useful for a Marine Mom as well: Your Soldier, Your Army ( you can download for free as an Adobe Acrobat .pdf file; available in Spanish, too!)

Ideas for Deployment Pregnancies

I thought I would share some of the things that DH and I have done and some other ideas we've used to stay close through the pregnancy though we are separated by thousands of miles. There are lots of great sites for soldiers to stay in touch with their children, but few that I have found that talk about pregnancy.

Please add to this list in the comments, and I'll update and put a permanent link up to the post on the main page:

For Momma:

• E-mail or mail weekly pregnany updates, using a site like Storknet or Baby Center; add your own comments about how these summaries apply to your pregnancy.
• Take a profile "belly picture" in shape-hugging clothing (such as workout clothes) or with bare belly (if you are comfortable with this) each week to show your growing belly. E-mail every week and/or assemble into a photobook once you are showing. DH says that it is like a "flip book" that shows my belly growing.
• Place a large piece of paper on the wall and trace the outline of your belly every week. Once baby is born, decorate and send.
• Keep a pregnancy journal or calendar and record important milestones--I felt baby kick for the first time!
• Take video/photographs at important milestones in the pregnancy and/or holidays; e-mail to your soldier and also print and put in a photobook to send. If you live on or near post, ask around to see if an agency or your FRG will allow you to record and burn a DVD for free. We even had a vendor at a local mall offer this service for free at Valentine's Day.
• Involve Daddy in all of the big decisions!!!

For Daddy:

• Record your voice (read your favorite children's story or sing a song) so baby and Momma can listen to you and pretend you are close by.
• Pregnant women use lots of pillows to get comfortable at night. Take two soft pillowcases and keep them close to you for a week (AFTER you shower, guys, not when you've just come back from a mission in 120 degree heat). Seal them in ziplock bags. One is for momma and the other is for baby if you are going to miss the birth.
• Tell Momma some of the things you would do during pregnancy to pamper her, and provide suggestions/reminders as to how she can pamper herself--make sure you check your father-to-be books so you don't suggest something that is off-limits or not advisable in large quantities during pregnancy (like a bottle of wine or deep tissue massage).
• If you have ready internet access, consider sending mom something to help her take action on your suggestions: candles, pregnancy-safe herbal teas, a CD of relaxing tunes, a gift certificate to a local spa that offers pregnancy massages, comfy maternity pj's, etc. If you aren't sure what to send, try a site that has pregnancy gift baskets, or ask her friends who have also recently been pregnant. I'm sure they will be happy to help.
• Write letters or keep a journal specifically for Momma and baby--something baby can read years later and know what you were doing while Momma was pregnant.
• If writing isn't your style, take photographs of yourself in various places and add thought bubbles about your positive feelings about the pregnancy. Make sure to date the photos.
• Show an interest in, respond to, and ask questions about the information Momma is sending to you!!!

Should I Marry a Soldier?

A woman wrote me who is trying to make some decisions about the future of her relationship with a military man who is considering special forces. She herself is former military (AF).

After explaining the background of her story, she asked:

And now it's up to me to decide if I can deal with it. I know I love this man...but I'm scared that love isn't going to be enough. I refuse to get into a marriage just to have it fail because of seperation when I could have prepared for it better to begin with. I feel that I know the information that the FRG's throw out there...but I would rather talk to someone who's been there. That knows how it feels.

I guess what I'm asking is, what do you wish you had known before getting married into the military? What things prepared you the best for the deployments? What do you wish you had done differently to prepare for it? What is the hardest part? How did you deal with it? What questions would you ask if you could go back to make sure that you knew exactly what you were getting into?

I know most of my readers are fellow spouses, so I thought I'd give you a crack at these questions, too. Feel free to chime in in the comments section.

This is my response:

First let me say that everyone's experience is unique. You can get others' opinions but in the end that may confuse you more. Ultimately only you will be able to answer your questions.

That being said, I also sometimes feel like getting input...you may want to ask a number of military spouses these questions. Consider joining a military spouse board. [The one I go to is Household Six]

Now, as far as my answers to your questions, keep in mind that I married my husband BEFORE he joined up. So, I was in a different situation. I married a lawyer, not an Army Artillery Officer...but really I married the man, and that is the important part no matter what his career.

Right now, you don't know for sure yet whether or not he will be accepted into special forces, so I would cross that bridge when you get there. You may wish to consider a long engagement, too...which may not even be a choice if he has to go away for schools, anyway.

As someone who has been married 5 years, and has endured almost a year separation for my husband's training and six months and counting for a deployment, I can tell you marriages do not fail because of separations. Separations can make existing problems worse, but they do not make marriages fail.

I would seriously look at the basis of your relationship--do you share similar goals, values, and priorities? Do you communicate well in your own way? These are the things that will keep you close even when you are physically far away.

You also need to look at yourself. What are your needs and what skills do you have for your own emotional development? I love my husband dearly and we spend nearly every free minute together when he is home...but we also have separate interests. I have learned to push myself to talk to other people, even when I don't always feel like it. If you can't do that, being a military spouse will be very lonely.

I depend on DH when he is here, but when he is not, I can find things to accomplish that make me feel good about myself. I enjoy my work and my volunteering.

Are you capable of trusting someone? Do you trust him?

Do you always have to be in control or are you able to accept that certainly things are just beyond your control and not dwell on them.

Other than that, you can ask all the questions you want but your mileage is going to vary. You can ask about time at work while in garrison, frequency and duration of trainings, and frequency and duration of deployments...but truthfully those are going to vary so much based on assignments, commanders, and "needs of the Army," the answers you get will be essentially useless.

Knowing myself, my husband, and our relationship is what prepared me best--and that would be the same no matter what choices he and I made in our lives.

To Whine, Or Not to Whine?

For the most part, I think I am a pretty happy pregnant woman.

In fact, if my husband were home, I think this would be the happiest time of my life to date.

Even without him here, I've been on a natural high from the pregnancy. These hormones seem to actually even me out.

Still, there are times when it all seems so overwhelming--even my *knock on wood* so far very healthy pregnancy has still included various aches and pains. I get frustrated when I cannot take care of heavy exhausting things and there is no one here to do it for me. There are days when the small annoyances just seem to pile up one on top of the other, and the deployment gremlins attack the car, the computer, and just about anything mechanical or electrical upon which I rely.

I have never been one to lean on others. My friends and family back home would not understand anyway, they would only worry. I am not close enough to my friends here to share these feelings.

There is nothing really to solve, either. Just little bumps on the road.

I just want to vent sometimes.

This semi-anonymous blog would be the perfect place...and I do want to present an honest portrait here for those who are curious or about to join the club...except DH reads my blog.

I would never ever hide anything from DH. I know some will have there doubts, but we are 100% honest and open with one another.

While DH is home, I try to be more sweetness and light than not--but he is also strong, generous, and loving during those "not" times.

However, I feel it is my duty (and privilege) to turn on the sunshine at all times for DH while he is deployed. I want him fully focused on his mission--not concerned by temporary shifts in my mood.

Just like his job as a soldier requires him to keep some details from me that he would ordinarily share, I believe my job description as an Army Wife means that I sometimes must do the same.

Although my anecdotes are not classified, I would never want to risk hurting his morale.

So, to whine or not to whine...that is the question.

A PSA for Men: Why Women Say, "Don't Get Me Anything."

I've been catching up on work after my huge cold, so expect more posting next week.

In the meantime, I thought I would make a little Valentine's Public Service Announcement.

No doubt some men have heard their wife or girlfriend tell them, "Don't get me anything." They probably thought they were off the hook and, thankful for clear directions for once, did not get anything. If they conducted this little experiment in the past, they probably realized how mistaken they were.

So, why do women say, "Don't get me anything," when they really want something?

Let me explain.

She may have actually meant it when she said it. She thought about the consumerism of the holiday and the dwindling bank account or the kids' college funds and thought, "Our money can be better used."

Possibly she really wanted something, but was afraid of appearing greedy.

Another possibility is she wants something, but something heartfelt, rather than just purchased.

Finally, even if she really wants something, she does not want to have to ask--she wants to be surprised.

So, what is a confused male to do?

I suggest skipping the mall and the ATM machine and hedging your bets. Get her SOMETHING, but do not break the bank.

Write a poem and age the paper (before you write down the poem) with tea. It doesn't matter if it is the worse poem ever. This time it really is the thought that counts.

Make her dinner. My husband cannot cook, but one day he bought fresh pumpkin ravioli and pecan pesto and made me dinner. That was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.

Frame a favorite photo.

Not your style? Well, then go for something that will remind her of all of the fun things you do together as a couple--whether it is hiking, tailgating, playing darts, or whatever.

The point is that it has to be unique and special... and if you think expressing your emotions is too girly, even if it is in the form of a "romantic game" on a dart board (whatever you hit, the other person does for you), suck it up. This is only one day in the year.

Your regular blogging should return tomorrow.