HELP! My Husband is Joining the Army and I Don't Like It!

An anonymous reader comments:

Hey Molly my husband is looking into a career In the army, I don't like the idea because he will never be home and could always be deployed and could die. I am 19 he is 26 years old and we have a 5 month old daughter I didn't not sign up to be a military wife I don't like the idea of moving every other year and not being able to see him everyday and then spending long time periods away from him I guess my question is what is being a military spouse really like. He will be entering as a E3 but I don't want to hear the lie from the recruiter I want to ask some one who is there.

Dear reader,

Thank you for writing. Although you are already married, you may want to check out my post, "Should I Marry a Soldier?" I cover some of the questions you ask here but the long and the short of it is that no one can really give you the answers you are seeking.

Your family's experience in the military will vary depending on your husband's MOS (his specialty), the post, the unit, and even down to his Commanding Officer and NCOs. And it will also depend on both of you.

As someone who has been there I will not downplay the challenges of military life. At the same time, it can be a wonderful lifestyle for those who are able to "bloom where they are planted." One of the lessons I have learned in life is that happy people are generally happy wherever they are and miserable people are miserable wherever they go. That said, military life can be intense and can bring out the strengths and weaknesses in people and in relationships.

What I will say is that no one is never home or deployed all of the time. And it seems as if the "operational tempo" may slow in the near future. God willing.

And very few people's lives happen exactly as they plan. A lot of families find themselves moving frequently.

While the risk of being killed in combat is very real, it is statistically not great. It is the possibility, and the constant threat of this danger, that can be very difficult for both the soldier and his family.

Your question is really a marital issue than a military one. You had a picture of your future for you and your family and you married a man who you believed shared that plan. Now, he has brought something new and you do not like the idea. How you deal with this challenge will shape your future regardless of the decision made.

I am not a marriage counselor but here are my suggestions:

1. Do some research into his proposed MOS. Are there limited posts where he might be stationed?

2. Read up. Go to your library and take out some non-fiction books for new military spouses. You'll find an honest but upbeat take on what to expect in general. Keep in mind that your mileage will vary.

3. Have him do the same. He needs to come to you with an honest assessment of why he would like to enlist, what he hopes to accomplish in the military, and how this will shape the family's future. Has he always dreamed of being a soldier? Does he believe it is his duty to serve? Perhaps he sees the military as his best hope for career advancement? Or maybe he wants to provide for his family with the job security and benefits of the military?

4. Make a decision together. This is very difficult because you do not want him to resent you for telling him not to enlist. At the same time, it will be a very unpleasant career and possibly unsuccessful marriage if you are not at least a willing partner in this decision. Just like any other major decision in a marriage, you both need to reach some sort of agreement, even if one person will have to make more sacrifices than the other.

If you cannot do this on your own, you may wish to speak with a clergyman if you are at all religious or perhaps go to a couples' counselor who can help you talk through these issues in a non-confrontational way.

Whether or not he joins the military, this will hopefully help you understand each other and your marriage better and you'll come through it stronger.

Best of luck and please update us!

Ask Molly: Deployment Checklists

A Reader Asks:

Happy Veterans' Day! I just found your blog and I was wondering if there are directions to making a military family binder, something that would include military records, important numbers, deployments, LES, or anything you can think of. My husband is an Army Reservist and I think this could be very helpful.

First of all, Happy Veterans' Day to you, too! Thank you and your husband for serving!

You did not mention if your husband has been activated in anticipation of a deployment. Regardless, there are some things that every military family should have in a binder. And, really, with a few modifications, this is something that would be useful to any family, military or not.

When my husband deployed, we distributed a deployment checklist of documents and other information that the spouses should have at hand. I googled "deployment checklist" and found a few that may prove helpful. You should of course modify to suit your own situation:

• Deployment Checklist #1
• Deployment Checklist #2 (and the same Checklist as an html webpage instead of .pdf)
• USAA Family Readiness Deployment Guide
• Military One Source - Reservist Deployment Page
  

In general, USAA and MilitaryOneSource are great sources for all sorts of military-friendly planning.

You should always know your husband's unit and have the Red Cross contact information available should you need to contact him in an emergency. I would also like to highlight the Power of Attorney. A general POA (one that enumerates several areas in which your spouse may act for you, such as finances, health decisions, etc.) can be useful, but you need to remember that there is no obligation to accept a power of attorney--if you anticipate needing one, you should contact the relevant bank or other company or military office to make sure you have the correct form.

Couples with children should also be aware of laws that apply to getting passports, enrolling in schools, etc. In some cases, you may need permission from both parents to travel out of country with children.

Hope this helps!

Does Love Mean Never Having to Say Goodbye? (Ask Molly)

Dear Molly,

I'm 17 years old about to graduate. My boyfriend is also about to graduate and seriously thinking about the military.

I don't really approve of it. I think that if he loves me he should want to see me and be around me more than anything. He would sacrifice everything for me. Am I right? I know he wants to do this but he says I'm the most important thing. If that's so why would he want to go?

For the last two years, we see each other on weekends and that's it. And that's hard enough. I just want to be able to see him more. And I'm working on getting my hairstylist license. And we have talked about marriage also. He said I could go with him when he went. Is that possible? When would I get to see him?

Dear Reader,

You and your boyfriend still have a lot of life ahead of you. I'm going to tell you what I tell every young person in love who is contemplating major life changes or is uncertain about decisions: find your own fulfillment and do not rush into anything. If you are truly meant to be together, you will still want to get married in a year or two.

I do not agree that loving someone means giving up everything that is important to you. And it is certainly not forcing a person you love to make that sort of decision.

You don't say a lot about your relationship, but if you have a very solid relationship and believe you can handle the military lifestyle, it is worth it. If your relationship is not solid, then the military lifestyle may make those problems worse. I think you need some time--to find out who you are, to decide if this relationship is really right for you, and to consider the military lifestyle.

What about the military worries you? Take the time together to learn about this option he is considering and then think about whether or not this is a lifestyle you want to lead. Be honest with him, but no ultimatums or drama. Just tell him that you aren't sure you want to be a military wife.

And he needs to take time, without pressure, and make up his mind. Maybe he only wants to do it for a couple of years, or maybe he wants it to be a career, or maybe he just hasn't really thought it through, yet.

Assuming he enlists, while he is completing his basic and advanced training, continue to think about what is the right decision for you.

There are several different types of duties. First, he will train for a few months and you will not be able to see him during this initial training. Then, he will be assigned to a duty station. Most duty stations are in the United States or Europe, and you would be able to join him there. If you get married, you will be placed on his orders and you will be able to get on post housing or qualify for certain allowances, based on his pay grade. There are certain "unaccompanied" tours of duty, such as a one-year tour in Korea, but most stations will allow him to bring his spouse.

Times when you will not be able to see him: deployment (at this point in the Army, this is usually 12-15 months every couple of years, but this varies), field training (depends on the mission, but is usually a week or two every few months), some temporary assignments (such as for additional training).

Everyone's experience varies, depending on the individual MOS (job in the Army) and career path.

If you decide you want to be with him, even if he is a career soldier, then you will be able to change your certification as you move from state to state.

The truth is, life is unpredictable, even if you are not in the military. If you are compatible in your love and your values, then don't let this break you up.

Hope this helps--you may also want to read advice from me and my readers for a woman who also was not sure if she wanted to be a military spouse: Should I marry a soldier?

Military Divorce (Ask Molly)

A reader writes (details deleted to protect identities):

Dear Molly,

My husband is deployed and due to his infidelity, we are divorcing. I cannot save or keep up bills right now. He is helping with rent but not much beyond that.

I have severe medical problems that cause anxiety and panic attacks.

Is there anything I can do to have the Army help get me back home? I plan to meet with the commander.

Dear Fellow MilSpouse

First, as a fellow wife, woman, and person, I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

As a lawyer's wife, I must preface all of this with the statement that this does not constitute actionable legal advice and that your best bet is to seek out a family law practitioner in your state who is familiar with military divorce. Laws vary from state to state and the military adds another layer of complexity.

As a former FRG leader, though, there is some information I can pass along that may prove helpful.

• You do not mention whether or not he has agreed to the divorce. As you are probably aware, he can legally delay divorce proceedings while he is deployed. Even if he is willing to proceed and you agree on everything, his deployment will most likely slow things down quite a bit. Once you have a divorce, any court orders (such as alimony or any benefits to which you are entitled) can be enforced by the military. Here is some information about those benefits for divorced military spouses. As you can see, there are various factors such as the length of his service and of your marriage.
• The short answer to your question about the military paying for your move is no. However, indirectly, there may be a solution to your financial problems.
• Before meeting with the commander, you may want to talk to your FRG leader if you have a competent one. The FRG leader may be able to advocate for you in the most appropriate way, especially if she is the commander's wife.
• If you do meet with the commander I would recommend NOT approaching the commander to tell him there is a divorce in progress and you want money for moving home. Instead, I would recommend saying that despite the problems you are currently experiencing, you are still at this time his wife and you are still maintaining his household. He is receiving allowances specifically alloted for his household expenses, including BAH (which is higher because he has dependents) and a Family Separation Allowance (which he would not receive if he did not have dependents). You mention he is helping with the rent--I don't know how your rent compares to BAH, but since you are maintaining his household while he is gone, you should be getting the full BAH and the Family Separation Allowance. Ask to have these moneys directly deposited into an account in your name.
  

Servicemembers are expected to provide for their families while deployed. However, there is a good bit of latitude given the individual command as to how this is accomplished. So, be sure to approach the command calmly and logically--and hopefully they will make this step easier for you.

Another avenue that may be worth researching is the Exceptional Family Members Program (EFMP) on your post. I do not know if your medical conditions qualify and if they can provide any assistance, but perhaps they can help in some way. Your FRG leader or Chaplain may also be aware of other post or local programs that may able to to help you out.

Hope this information is helpful to you!

What to Expect When You Are Expecting a New Soldier: Ft. Benning Graduation (Ask Molly)

A Reader Asks:

Hi, I saw your blog you posted a while ago about being an army wife. I was looking on google to find information on family day and graduation. My fiance is in Ft Benning right now at basic. When do you first get to see them? While you are sitting in the stands or before that? And then after they are dismissed on family day, how long do we get to spend with them. Also, do they get to spend the night with us, or do they have to go back that night? Then after graduation the next day, do we get to spend the day with them? Or even a couple days? I hope you can answer my questions. I would really appreciate it. Feel free to say anything else also. Thank you

Like everything else with the military, your mileage may vary (YMMV). A lot depends on the AIT your husband is attending, when it starts, and the specific command.

I would not expect any overnight passes. However, I have heard tell of some soldiers receiving 36 hour passes following graduation when their AIT was not set to begin right away. Do not count on it though, most likely he will be in transit to AIT the day after graduation.

Soldiers with visiting adult family members will get day passes (meaning they have to be back that night) following both family day and graduation--please note, however, that to the Army you do not yet qualify as a "family member." So, a parent, grandparent, or legal guardian would have to sign your soldier out.

You may want to read my experience of family day and graduation. I describe when I first saw him and how much time we had together and where we spent our family time. Keep in mind this was about five years ago and my husband was going on to an OCS class that did not start for a while. My guess, though, is that your family day and graduation ceremony experience will be very similar.

Visit military family forums, like the forums hosted by Military.com, and you may find someone with a more recent experience to relate.

In terms of advice, I would recommend getting a hotel room for at least both nights because you'll probably want a private place to sit and relax and your soldier may even want a short nap. Ft. Benning has good, inexpensive lodging, (Ft. Benning Lodging) but sometimes it is difficult to reserve a room. They were in the process of renovating and the rooms they had already fixed up were quite nice--one time I got a room with a sitting room and efficiency kitchen. They do keep some rooms available for "day of" walk-ins, but you'll want to make sure you have a back-up plan.

The key is to avoid staying on Victory Drive. Victory Drive is that unsavory main road that seems to be located near almost every military post. Don't choose a hotel on Victory Drive and you should be fine.

I found the La Quinta in Columbus, GA, to be very adequate and one of the closer, decent but inexpensive choices. There are plenty of decent options off the highway a few exits north of the central Columbus area.

There is also a very nice Marriot, that does sometimes offer military rates, right in the small, historic center of Columbus, GA, and some bed and breakfast places if you are looking for something more luxe. However, keep in mind that there is a good chance your soldier will not be able to stay overnight with you.

Your soldier will probably be most interested in you, a nap, caffeine, and a good meal. Let him take the lead about how he'd like to spend his little bit of free time.

I'll leave you with the official word from one of the Basic Training commands at Ft. Benning (I bolded some of the text):

Family Day
The day before graduation, normally Wednesday, the battalion commander meets with friends and family members at their unit to discuss your soldier's recent experiences and answer your questions. You will also meet the drill sergeants that trained your soldier and observe some demonstrations of soldier skills. Most importantly, you will meet with your soldier.

That afternoon graduating soldiers with visiting adult family members (spouse, parents, grandparents or legal guardians) may receive an on-post pass on Family Day and following graduation until a time determined by the chain of command. While on pass soldiers must remain in uniform and are not allowed to drive vehicles, drink any form of alcoholic beverages or use any tobacco products.

Graduation Day
Graduation is the following day, usually on Thursday at Pomeroy Field. The ceremony is at 10:00 a.m. from October through March and 09:00 a.m. from April through September. In case of inclement weather, the ceremony will take place at the Regimental Chapel and the time schedule may change to accommodate more than one ceremony.

Day After Graduation
The day after graduation soldiers will usually not be allowed to go on pass. This day is designated as a travel day for their follow on Advance Individual Training (AIT).

Class Schedule
Army Training Requirements and Resources System (ATRRS) manages class schedules.

* FY 2008
* FY 2009

Note: Graduation dates shown here are subject to change. Soldiers are afforded the opportunity to contact families with actual graduation dates/times for travel planning purposes.

Best Military Spouse Advice Book (Poll Results)

A very nice military mom (and future military mother in law) asked for some advice about a good book for a new military spouse. I responded and also asked my readers for their suggestions, too. On Monday, I'll have a review and giveaway of The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family.

Here are the results of the reader poll (with 22 votes):

• The Army Wife Handbook: A Complete Social Guide (13%)
• Today's Military Wife: Meeting the Challenges of Service Life (18%)
• Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform (27%)
• The Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family (9%)
• Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, Second Edition (4%)
• Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul: Stories to Touch the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit (13%)
• Other (9%)
• I haven't read any Military Spouse advice books (40%)

Books for Military Spouses and Wives (Ask Molly)

Hello Molly,

My son is a marine. He is recently engaged and going on his second deployment but the first for his new fiance. Do you have any book recommendations? I would like to get her a book to help from a girlfriend/spouse perspective and a journal for Christmas. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank your husband for his service and Thank you for serving all the important support lines.

Hello! What a thoughtful gift and a great question.

I'm assuming (a poor thing to do, I know) that you want some sort of advice guide, rather than a fictional work or a book of real-life anecdotes. If you were looking for something else, just drop me another line.

When my husband first joined the military, he bought me a copy of The Army Wife Handbook: A Complete Social Guide. I eagerly devoured the information about proper receiving line etiquette and calling card layouts. I can hear the other spouses snickering already. Needless to say, interesting as this was for the traditionalist and historian in me the advice didn't have much practical application in today's military.

So, I searched for another book and narrowed it down to Today's Military Wife: Meeting the Challenges of Service Life and Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform (the one I chose). Based on other's opinions, I felt that Married to the Military would be the more practical of the two. Amazon now has search inside features for both books, however, so you can check them out.

The reviewers on Amazon seem to have a love-hate relationship with Married to the Military, which I think stems from their feelings towards the author's online community bulletin board, CinChouse. I've never been a part of that board, so I don't quite understand the drama.
I found Married to the Military to be a helpful, if very basic and exclusively female-oriented, guide to life as a Military Spouse. It is an easy-to-browse, clear, and helpful primer for new spouses. If I weren't in the middle of a move, I'd pull it out and be more specific, but I do recall that there were lots of bullet points and call-out boxes for quick reference.

Two new(er) books on the market that look promising are Homefront Club: The Hardheaded Woman's Guide to Raising a Military Family (I'll be reviewing this and giving away a copy in the New Year) and Help! I'm a Military Spouse--I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military, Second Edition (I hope to be reviewing this one, as well).

The Homefront Club certainly has an appealing title--what? me? hardheaded? And, I've read some columns by Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer, authors of Help! I'm a Military Spouse and based on those I have high hopes for the book.

In the meantime, since I won't be able to review these before you need to purchase the book, perhaps readers can chime in with their thoughts and suggestions.

Finally, although I'm not personally a huge fan of the series, those who enjoy homespun wisdom, tear-jerking life affirmations, and inspiring anecdotes will get pretty much exactly what they expect from Chicken Soup for the Military Wife's Soul: Stories to Touch the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit. They gave these out at one of our deployment briefings and I know a lot of the spouses appreciated it. So, that's a good option if you know you like this series.

The challenge with these books is that each service, post or base, and even each family is different. In trying to apply to all, the risk is that you are relevant to none. Being a military spouse is really on the job training and she'll hopefully get lots of help from other spouses in her community--or from online communities. However, I do think a book can be a great peak into this lifestyle she is about to enter and a wonderful gift. She's lucky to be gaining such a sweet mother-in-law.

Please let us know which one you pick and your thoughts once you browse it, too!

Cheers and Merry Christmas!


PS: The links above are for the books at Amazon. Also, if you plan to buy online, I have a coupon code for Barnes and Noble: Click HERE to save 25% on one item at Barnes&Noble.com. Use coupon code N6R7C4J. (expires 12/18/07)

And by the way, I know you already have experience, but many parents have found AUSA's Guide for Parents of Deployed Soldiers helpful, and it may have some information that is useful for a Marine Mom as well: Your Soldier, Your Army ( you can download for free as an Adobe Acrobat .pdf file; available in Spanish, too!)

Ask Molly: Moving "Home" During a Deployment

A reader posted this comment:

Does anyone have any advice? My brother is due to deploy overseas within a year and it is causing problems in his marriage. His family (young wife and 2 year old daughter) and my family moved half way across the country two years ago to forge a better life away from the West coast. Our father also lives here. We are all within minutes of each other. Now that he is due to deploy, his wife wants to move back in with her mother out west. He doesn't want her to. They have a home here, pets, her job, baby's daycare, etc. I'm sure he wants to know that while he is deployed, someone is here maintaining a "Normal" life for him to return to. Her mother has been trying to get her to return the whole two years and is pressuring her, also. (Of course they never got along when they lived together before.) My sister-in-law is afraid to stay alone, but we all feel that she needs to be as strong here as he is being in his deployment. Does anyone have any advice on books, etc., that might help her understand his point? Thanks.

Elizabeth | 11.11.07 - 2:10 pm |

Dear Elizabeth,

Hopefully some of my readers will add their comments as well so you can get more than one perspective.

Deciding whether to stay where you live with your spouse or return "home" with your parents while your spouse is deployed is a very difficult decision.

Before I could offer my own advice and opinion to a spouse, I'd need to know some more details, such as whether the service member is Active Duty, National Guard, or Reserves, how close the spouse lives to a post if the service member is not Active Duty, what sort of support system she has in place, and the length of the deployment.

If the spouse has a good support system in place, the kids have friends, and the deployment is likely to be a year or less, then it is often a good decision to stay put.

Some spouses may find, especially if they have a very young baby, if they have not established a support system, or if they are facing a long deployment, that they would rather move back in with a parent, possibly also saving money.

I stayed in Killeen during my husband's deployment and it was a mixed bag, but overall I made the right decision for us.

Ultimately, though, every person is an individual and this is a decision that will be made by the couple. Yes, his deployment will be a stressful time for him and he does need the support of his family. Deployment can also be very trying for the spouse, as well, and your sister in law also needs to know that her needs are understood and respected.

While there are some good books out there for military spouses (I link to a number in my sidebar), no book will be able to take into account all the individual circumstances a person may face.

I think it is wonderful that your family is so close. I am sure you have the best interests of your whole family in mind (including your brother, your sister in law, and of course your little niece), but I am a little concerned that you are searching for resources to help her understand his perspective, rather than resources that might allow both of them better understand each others' points of view.

In the long run, I think that a healthy marriage will grow in depth during the separation, no matter what decision they make. So, the important part is really how they reach that decision.

My suggestions to you is that you recommend they utilize some of the following resources to help maintain the health of their relationship and then allow them lots of space to sort it out together, possibly with a neutral person trained in relationship counseling.

• Military OneSource: Military OneSource is your one-stop resource for pretty much everything. They even have Master's level consultants who will answer the phone 24-7 and help military service members and family locate resources, including limited free counseling sessions. You have to register to use the website, but it is all free.
  
• The Unit or Post Chaplain: If your brother and his wife are on or near a post, a Chaplain could be an excellent resource. Most will keep religion out of the discussion if asked, and they have training in the specific issues military couples face as well as access to extensive resources.
  
• The Family Readiness Group: The leader should be able to at least point the spouse to some resources for making the decision. Also, the quality of the support available might factor into the decision and possibly persuade her to stay.
  
• The Military Couples' Workshop or Retreat: There are a lot of workshops and retreats that may help them work through some of these issues. Some are for those who are experiencing trouble reintegrating after a deployment, but others are open to service members and their spouses before hand. Ask the command about Building Strong and Ready Families program, a two-day program that helps couples develop better communication skills, reinforced by a weekend retreat. If they are Reserve or National Guard, there is a "Strong Bonds Marriage Education Program."
• Army Community Services or similar post service: If they are active duty or activated and near a post, there should be an office that is a clearinghouse for various classes and opportunities.
  
• Should I Stay Or Should I Go?: Another person's perspective + 26 comments from readers on the issue. (from SpouseBUZZ)

Hopefully these resources will help them reach the right decision for them as a couple and I am sure your family will support them, regardless of what that decision may be.

My prayers are with your brother and your whole family as you prepare for his deployment.


"Ask Molly" represents only my opinion and the comments of readers represent their opinions. I draw upon my training as a Family Readiness Group leader, my own experience and that of those I know, and any research I found on the Internet. I am not a trained counselor.