Be My Baby?

What I thought I would be doing right now:
Drinking a bottle of moderately priced Cabernet or Red Zinfandel, all by myself.

What I am doing right now:
Working and Blogging.

Why?

Well, DH and I started trying to conceive several months ago. The first month, I was sick during the crucial time. The second month, DH (who is ordinarily healthy as a very healthy horse) was the one feeling ill. The third month, DH's field problem was extended.

So, for our fourth attempt, I bought an Ovulation Prediction Kit--the kind that gives you a smiley face 24-48 hours before ovulation.

In previous months, we missed the key days, but were in the given area. As a result, I was not that hopeful about this fourth try. Still, I took three pregnancy tests before DH left with the hopes that if I was pregnant, we would be able to share the news in person. All were negative. Up until today, I was pretty sure our most recent attempts had not worked.

I've been waiting for that unmistakeable sign that I am not pregnant, like I wait for a bad houseguest--I do not really want her to come stay with me but since she is probably coming, I'd rather just get it over with.

While I was out running errands, I bought a pregnancy test, just for kicks. The commisary only had a super-fancy expensive one and a cheapo one. Figuring the point was likely to be moot by the time I went home, and having had no problem with other cheapo brands in prior months, I went for the cheapo one.

With no unmistakeable sign in sight, I took the test. Most tests, for those who have never seen one, have a "control" window and a "results" window. You usually see a line in the control window so you know the test is working and then another line, or a "+" sign, or something else in the test window. Well, I look at the proper time, and I do not see squat in the control window.

Hmmm...wait another couple of minutes. Still, nothing.

A dud? I take it into better lighting and see the FAINTEST line in the control window and a similarly faint line in the test window.

Bad test? Wishful thinking? Or positive result?

Tomorrow I will run out at buy another test if the unmistakeable sign does not arrive. In the meantime, I thought I might answer the obvious question:

Why the heck did you and your husband want to conceive right before he deployed?

Well, there are a number of reasons.

Most of the military wives who have gone through most of their pregnancy and the birth with their husbands deployed(they almost always say "by accident" or that they were not really trying) urge strongly against this. Still, after listening to them, we decided to try.

Obviously this is not the "perfect" time due to the deployment, but there never is a perfect time--especially in the military.

First and foremost is that we are ready emotionally and financially. We are both in our late 20s, have traveled extensively, and have had some time to enjoy our marriage with just the two of us (four years last June). In fact, I was beginning to worry that we were too content; that the longer we waited, the more difficult it would become to introduce such a big change, like a baby, would be too scary.

Financially, DH took a big salary cut going from the law to the military, but we have some savings, cost of living here is much cheaper than NYC, and I have now found a way to keep earning from home. We own a house with three bedrooms, something that did not seem that attainable in the near future in NYC.

DH and I both also want a big family. I told DH that maybe he can take his sweet time as a male, but if he wanted me to be the mother of those children, we had better get started soon. I wanted to start our family before I was 30, and DH knows that his deployment could go longer than 12 months.

Finally, there is the most emotional of the reasons. God forbid something happened to DH, I would want to have his child. Logically, there is something absurd about this. More young males, including soldiers in garrison, die over here than over there. Anyone can be taken from us at any time. DH feared that having a child would also make losing him even more difficult. I believe that it would give me a purpose in going on.

I know that I want to have children with my husband. I do not know if I could ever commit myself like that to another. As hard as it would be to face a future without DH, it would be harder to know that we would not be able to fulfill that dream together.